I Don't Want to Love You!

"I can't believe you! I'm gone four hours and you couldn't wait! You promised you would just look! Now what do I find, but she's here with you! I can't trust you!"

"But honey, I didn't have the heart to turn her away after I saw her. The moment she got out of the car, she came straight to me and sat on my feet. Then she looked up at me with those eyes . . . I just couldn't resist her."

"Fine, you are responsible for her . . . not me!"

As I looked into the limpid brown pools of her eyes, my heart melted, but my stubborn pride wouldn't let me succumb. She tentatively reached toward me, whimpering quietly, rubbing her head against my leg, until I finally touched her. She was as soft as velvet as I stroked her head. I wanted to throw my arms around her, but I wouldn't allow myself to love her.

All that night and the week following, she would lie at my feet as I worked at the computer. When we went to bed, she would go to her crate and cry until he would bring her to the foot of the bed. Mornings, I would wake with her curled into my knees.

My heart was thawing, but I forced myself to freeze when he entered the room with us.

By the second week, I had continually hardened my heart. I willed myself not to love her. As she sat near me I could feel her eyes upon me . . . filled with love . . . filled with the knowledge that I loved her too . . . begging me to give in and let her love me fully.

Her cold, wet, nose touched my leg as she asked me to pet her. I stopped my work, considered sending her away, felt my heart melt, and reached for her. As I wrapped my arms around her she freely gave me all of her heart. Though she was supposed to be my husband's dog, Frieda had become mine as well.

Never have I experienced such unconditional love from any animal. She loved us with an intensity I could barely fathom. Her love had no bounds. As our family grew, so did her love. She tolerated kitten claws in her nose, more dogs, horses, even squirrels, and loved them all. Never would I have imagined a red Doberman capable of such a magnanimous inclusive heart.

Her love even surrounded our boy when he was born. She curled around him, protecting him--warming him. When he learned to crawl, she merely blinked the tears away when he pulled himself up by her fur. As he teethed, her finely sculpted ears became scalloped. She never barked, never nipped, never snapped at him. Instead she loved him and gave herself over to him.

To me, Frieda taught me about the fathomless love of God. Even before I truly knew God and didn't want God; God loved me. No matter how hard I tried to shut God out, to harden my heart; to will myself not to soften; God loved me, watched me, and protected me. My rejection was only more opportunity for God to love me . . . until, finally, I could no longer ignore the love and forgiveness of something, someone, I could not understand.

As I grew to know God, I gave more of myself to God and found God's love limitless.

"Amazing grace! The Lord has promised good to me; God's word my hope secures. God will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures."

"I love you child. I will always love you. Open your heart to me. Love, as I love you."

God of unlimited love, we find it so hard to love ourselves, much less others. Forgive us for our tiny, narrow ways. Soften our hardened hearts, draw us to you, teach us to love with your heart--one of depth and compassion, that never gives up, and always has room for one more. Help us to show the world your love--even when they don't want to love us in return. So be it. Amen.