The Kudzu Caper
The date: Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007
The time: 10 a.m.
The place: Behind A-Z Muffler, Dexter. Mo., pop. 7,500
The task: Identify and bring back samples of kudzu.
The force: Minnie's Bodacious Bloggers - Madeline, Goat Lady, Minnie O'Pausal, Ducky, Cake Lady, and one white Nubian-Boer cross goat named Petunia.
The equipment: Yellow 30-inch loppers, a yellow plastic Dollar General bag, leather gloves, knee-high camoflage snake boots, hunting vests with pockets, sunglasses, Aussie bush hats and jaunty grins.
Armed with a photograph of the kudzu vine (much feared for its habit of swallowing whole villages), the six fearless kudzu fighters moved cautiously along the riverbed, searching for the telltale signs of kudzu infestation.
Suddenly, Ducky spied a suspicious pile of vegetation. The intrepid explorers quickly surrounded the unidentified flora. Madeline seized an unwieldy vine and held it up for inspection.
"Oh, my mackerel!" exclaimed Goat Lady. "Do you think this is it?"
Minnie whipped out the photograph and held it up for comparison.
Twelve eyes (two of which were goat) inspected the questionable greenery.
"Let's review the checklist!" said Cake Lady, whipping out her magnifying glass. "It's green! (check) It's climbing! (check) It has three leaves! (check) Is it covering everything?"
"Wellllll, not really," said Ducky.
"Whatta ya mean - not really?!" shouted Madeline, as she disappeared in a mass of swirling vines. "Get me loose!" It appeared that several snake-like tendrils had fastened themselves tightly about her arms and legs. She fought bravely with the yellow loppers, but the vegetation was definitely getting the upper hand...er, leaf....
"Attack, Petunia!" shouted Goat Lady, grabbing a lopper and leaping into the fray. Cake Lady, Minnie, and Ducky rushed to the aid of their fellow bloggers and their goatly companion, who was chomping down on the vines in a frenzy of frantic footwork.
Cake Lady attacked from the left. Minnie attacked from the right. Ducky attempted to outflank the (alleged) kudzu with a flying leap from above, drop-kicking it into the creek.
Petunia became so enraged that she lost her balance and leaped over the creek in pursuit of the giant clump of tangled vines; however, she was very nearly hit by a passing motorist returning home from the Stoddard County Fair. Fortunately for the bedraggled bloggers, a kindly policeman stopped his patrol car and helped them retrieve the confused goat.
Returning to the creek bed, the bloggers discovered that the giant clump of vines was GONE!
"Great Jumping Kudzu!" shouted Minnie. "Don't tell me that we have inadvertently unleashed the green menace upon the unsuspecting citizens of this noble town?"
It was only too true: By cutting the vines and allowing them to congregate into a multitudinous conglomeration, the bloggers had unwittingly created a mobile mass of evil kudzu, which could roam the city at will, attacking innocent citizens.
Our five weary bloggers packed up their kudzu-fighting paraphenalia and made their way home, knowing full well that they would return one day to continue the battle against this alien plant, which threatens the very existence of life as we know it.
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Hairy Eyeballed Boss beware!!!
(By the way, dear Editor Mr. Greer, thank you for that cute cutline for the photo, which - by the way - was taken by our own glorious Minnie 'O herself!!)
I was not completely sure that we had the right vine, until I saw (and felt!) its awesome capabilities! Such a loathsome, insidious plant would have to be none other than the world-feared...
(music, please)
KUDZU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Arggggg!) (Innocent citizens screaming in the background)
We should be ready to mobilize by Monday, 9/24/07. If you use your cellphones in the area, be sure to speak in code, as I have it on good authority that the tangled mass of kudzu vines is a sentient being of an alien nature. This would certainly account for its cleverness in evading capture - and its uncanny ability to creep up behind unsuspecting citizens. No need to describe the horrible condition of the bodies dragged into the creekbed...
Once more, Minnie's Bodacious Bloggers will rise to the occasion and fight the good fight!
All for one and one for all!!!
Once more, into the breach!
Tippycanoe and Tyler, too!
Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!
Remember the Alamo!
Geronimo!!
Still, despite all our preparation and planning, the mobile menace escaped us. However, we shall continue the fight! We shall fight in the streets! We shall fight in the alleys! We shall fight in the check-out lanes of the local minimarts!
We may have lost the battle, but we shall not lose the war! Our Steve Irwin hunting hats will not let us down!!
Oh, dear! You've mentioned armadillos!! I may not be able to resist posting my favorite picture of an armadillo that I chased around Advance for about an hour! I made a special trip back into town for that encounter.
You know you live in a small town, when the local reporter gets a call at home from City Hall to come get pictures of an armadillo!
Just when I think our blogs have run out of steam, it's "Thar she blows!" again!!
I, for one, am so thankful that Advance is under the protection of our Feral Lab Pack!