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Breaking news: Grey Panthers kidnap noted journalist

Posted Tuesday, June 10, 2008, at 9:47 PM

Authorities today released a ransom note sent to the office of the Daily Statesman in Dexter, Missouri, after the disappearence of the newspaper's star blogger - Minnie O'Pausal, a 92-year-old retired postal employee, who was working part-time nights.

The letter was signed in dried blood, which, upon DNA testing, turned out to be that of the anonymous nonogenarian.

Credit for the daring abduction was claimed by the Grey Panthers, a militant arm of the AARP. It is thought that the group was incensed by Ms. O'Pausal's irreverent attitude toward her own aging process.

Ms. O'Pausal was known to keep late hours at the Statesman office, working by candlelight at her desk in a back room in order to maintain the absolute secrecy of her identity.

It is thought that the kidnappers gained entry by climbing in through an air conditioning vent and used silver duct tape to subdue the feisty O'Pausal, who was known to have a black belt in karate. However, in later years, Ms. O'Pausal suffered from Advanced Creeping Senility (ACS) and had forgotten the skills which she had formerly mastered.

The ransom note demanded one million dollars and a helicopter to be delivered to an abandoned warehouse in the Cotton Belt region of Dexter.

It is not known if the Statesman will cave into the demands of the kidnapper in order to regain their star reporter. Publisher Bud Hunt was unavailable for comment.


Comments
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Ha! It's just as I suspected. Poor Minnie. We must rouse to the defense of our fearless leader. I've heard about those Gray Panthers.

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Jun 10, 2008, at 9:54 PM

Well, no wonder she hasn't posted a blog lately! Who would have thought!

Boy, if those Gray Panthers are as mean as my mom could be when she got her dander up, Minnie's in for a tussle!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jun 10, 2008, at 10:06 PM

Rumor has it that the powers that be recognized the need for a "Minnie-fix," and freed the matchless, menopausal Minnie from the insurgents on the condition that she blog away....time will tell.

bw

-- Posted by bringwine on Tue, Jun 10, 2008, at 11:47 PM

Yes! We, the blogger buddies of the Statesman website, will be eternally grateful for the return of our beloved Minnie! Once more, the human race has been saved from the clutches of disaster!

My, my, I wonder how much the newspaper had to pay those rascal Gray Panthers?? Will we ever know, or is the secret buried forever in the hallowed vaults of the paper???

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jun 11, 2008, at 8:12 AM

Can't release all the details of the hostage/ransom exchange, but I can assure you it was not pretty!

Minnie is safe and we have upped security to make sure she stays that way. Be sure to drop her a line and let her know you were concerned about her welfare.

Bobby Greer

-- Posted by greer958 on Wed, Jun 11, 2008, at 11:40 AM

Thanks, Mr. Sexiest-Blogger-on-the-Statesman-site!

We blogger buddies are appreciative of your speedy handling of this delicate situation! We realize that the information is classified and is undoubtedly on a need-to-know basis.

All we care is that Minnie has been returned to us in one piece and has hopefully not been too traumatized by her harrowing experience...

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jun 11, 2008, at 3:01 PM

Thank you for understanding the delicacy of the situation. As I stated, we have stiffened security but the Gray Panthers are still out there, waiting to snatch Minnie away again. I will share with you that they had intentions of forcing her to write propaganda for them..... we just can't have that. I shall do my best to keep her safe as I am now also the Statesman's chief security officer.

-- Posted by greer958 on Wed, Jun 11, 2008, at 3:42 PM

Perhaps it was the work of M D's black bear.

-- Posted by changedname on Wed, Jun 11, 2008, at 9:07 PM

Or one of those feral black labs!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jun 11, 2008, at 10:04 PM
Madeline Dejournett's response:
Thanks, fellow bloggers, for having fun with me on this ridiculous story!

My darling daughter sent me the most clever story from the Onion, a hilarious newspaper, which you can access at www.onion.com. Talk about "Off the Wall"!! I love it! The article she sent was from Branson and was entitled "Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag." It's written in the lofty journalistic style of a war correspondent.



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Madeline DeJournett
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Madeline (Giles) DeJournett is the Advance writer for the North Stoddard Countian. A retired high school English/history teacher, she spent 32 years teaching in 5 schools in Missouri and Alaska. These days, she lives quietly with a menagerie of wild and domestic animals on 52 secluded acres in the remote Tillman hills south of Advance. She graduated from Dexter High School in 1960 and Southeast Missouri State in 1964. She can be contacted at advancensc@sbcglobal.net or by phone at 573-722-5322.
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