Breaking news: Grey Panthers kidnap noted journalist
Authorities today released a ransom note sent to the office of the Daily Statesman in Dexter, Missouri, after the disappearence of the newspaper's star blogger - Minnie O'Pausal, a 92-year-old retired postal employee, who was working part-time nights.
The letter was signed in dried blood, which, upon DNA testing, turned out to be that of the anonymous nonogenarian.
Credit for the daring abduction was claimed by the Grey Panthers, a militant arm of the AARP. It is thought that the group was incensed by Ms. O'Pausal's irreverent attitude toward her own aging process.
Ms. O'Pausal was known to keep late hours at the Statesman office, working by candlelight at her desk in a back room in order to maintain the absolute secrecy of her identity.
It is thought that the kidnappers gained entry by climbing in through an air conditioning vent and used silver duct tape to subdue the feisty O'Pausal, who was known to have a black belt in karate. However, in later years, Ms. O'Pausal suffered from Advanced Creeping Senility (ACS) and had forgotten the skills which she had formerly mastered.
The ransom note demanded one million dollars and a helicopter to be delivered to an abandoned warehouse in the Cotton Belt region of Dexter.
It is not known if the Statesman will cave into the demands of the kidnapper in order to regain their star reporter. Publisher Bud Hunt was unavailable for comment.
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My darling daughter sent me the most clever story from the Onion, a hilarious newspaper, which you can access at www.onion.com. Talk about "Off the Wall"!! I love it! The article she sent was from Branson and was entitled "Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag." It's written in the lofty journalistic style of a war correspondent.