Local women protest Minnie O'Pausal's imprisonment
The street outside the office of the Daily Statesman was filled with angry protestors on Wednesday, Oct. 15, as dozens of women rallied to the cry of "Free Minnie! Free Minnie!"
Faithful Statesman blogger and part-time nighttime cleaning lady, Minnie O'Pausal, a 92-year-old retired postal worker, has not been seen in over a week. Reports are circulating that the door to the tiny closet which she uses as an office is locked, and no one seems to have the key. However, repeated inquiries have gone unanswered, and it is thought that Minnie is, in fact, not there. Unverified reports are circulating that the feisty O'Pausal may have been traded to the National Enquirer for an undisclosed amount of cash and an "information conduit" to the Enquirer's secret files.
Minnie became famous with her witty columns on how to cope with the aging process. Her formulas for anti-wrinkle creams have been patented under the name of "Cutie Patootie's Wrinkle-be-Gone Vanishing Creme." Remarkably, Ms. O'Pausal discovered a hitherto unknown substance in common industrial spackling, most often used to fill holes in dry wall. With this surprising ingredient, O'Pausal was able to totally reverse the signs of facial aging. Ms. O'Pausal, herself, looks about fifteen.
Some of the more irreverent jokesters in the office have suggested that perhaps Ms. O'Pausal used too much of her own cream, but most insiders feel that this is just sour grapes on the part of co-workers who were jealous of Ms. O'Pausal's remarkable recovery from terminal wrinkling.
The aging O'Pausal is also known for her expert advice on how to navigate the local Super Store (which shall remain nameless due to legal ramifications). In the words of a co-worker who also wishes to remain anonymous: "Ms. O'Pausal has a mind like a steel trap! She never forgets a thing! It's really quite remarkable!"
This year, the amazing senior began teaching Tuesday night classes entitled "Brain and Body Rejuvenation Techniques for the Over-50." In fact, her Tuesday night students were the first to report her mysterious absence.
Local law enforcement officers were called at 9 a.m. Wednesday to confront the angry mob, one of whom flogged the Chief of Police unmercifully with a ten-foot sign. Another especially agitated demonstrator hurled assorted confections at officers and shouted, "Eat cake, you ruffians!"
Bud Hunt, publisher of the Statesman, could not be reached for comment as of press time this morning.
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Ms. O'Pausal, a favorite of women of all ages for her trusted methods of coping with the everyday rigors of life, has been the subject of an intensive search by her many fans.
"We have received little cooperation from authorities," stated a rather belligerent lady who gave her name as Ducky DoLittle.
"We are outraged by the apparently indifferent attitude of both police and Statesman staff!" said another aggressive person who was leading a herd of approximately 32 goats through the downtown streets of this Southeast Missouri town of 7,500.
The demonstration, which began at the Statesman office and proceeded to the Police Station, tied up traffic along Walnut and Stoddard Streets for approximately 3 hours, as police attempted to round up goats and ducks, who were running amuck in downtown Dexter.
The city jail was unable to hold all the protestors, both human and barnyard animal, so Stoddard County Sheriff's deputies were called to handle the overflow.
It is reported that both jails are filled to overflowing, as of Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2008.
More information will be posted as events in this bazaar case unfold.