semo Marketplace
Dexter, Missouri · Saturday, March 20, 2010
[Nameplate] A Few Clouds ~ 45°F  
If they'd only asked...
Posted Monday, October 26, at 4:17 PM
I've been witness to a lot of strange things over the past 50 something years...teenagers with blue hair and purple fingernails, jeans that are worn around the calves instead of the waist, GPS systems in vehicles with voices that warn you when you get off track (it's almost like having the kids back home and mouthing at me from a seat on the dashboard), handheld devices that can tell me about anything from anxiety to zedonks...but I don't believe I've ever been witness to anything so obviously strange as all this stimulus money that's been thrown around over the past year.

If the present administration, in all their wisdom, would have just consulted with Minnie, I could have told them in a heartbeat where to divert funds to in order to truly make an impact on the national economy. It's such a simple plan, really, they'll no doubt be red in the face at reading this and wonder for the rest of their days how they missed a prime opportunity.

Here's the plan...simply issue a check for every woman over 50 who would like to be lifted, lowered, liposuctioned, tucked or trimmed, siliconed or implanted, augmented or aligned.

Give them each about $50,000. I bet it still wouldn't come close to what's been given to the automotive industry to bail them out.

THEN....watch what happens. Anyone with a lick of sense knows when a woman feels good about herself (which they all would once the swelling goes down and the pain diminishes), she wants to LOOK as good as she FEELS. And how does she go about felling good? By shopping, of course!

Within three months post-surgeries, I guarantee the stores will be full of shoppers. They'll be purchasing everything from shoes to shotguns (yep, they look so good in cammo now, they want to go deer hunting).

Clothes.....no problem! Department store employees will have a time keeping the shelves restocked as we get behind the wheel of our new ragtops and take to the highways to America's malls. And to get on those highways, we need FUEL...another industry saved by implementing such a simple plan.

This option would be good for all women when they reach the "age of reason"...around 50 something. So, you see it would be a continuing program to eventually benefit every woman in the country.

I guarantee you this old body is much more in need of repair than any bridge in the county. Forget funding highway improvements too.. I've got some 48-year-old stretchmarks that look like a massive interchange leading to nowhere that are in much greater need of "restructuring" than any of those concrete monsters. Rejuvenate on the homefront first, I say.

AND, when we look good AND feel good, we ARE good! Everyone's happy...friends, enemies (cause they got a "lift" out of the deal too), children and grandchildren...it's all part of the "trickle down" theory, you see. Reagan was right!

Down with programs like Cash for Clunkers. Up with Lipo and Lifts for Ladies!

It's such a simple solution...HELLLLLOOOOOOOOO... if they'd only asked.

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Off hiatus
Posted Tuesday, June 9, at 5:32 PM

I looked it up, and Webster defines "hiatus" as "a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series or action," or "a missing part; gap of lucana." Hmmmmmmmmmm....now I'm going to have to look up "lucana." Forget it. I'll just go along with the missing part bit. ...

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Resolutions
Posted Saturday, January 10, at 10:20 AM

It happens every year. I promise myself I'm going to stick with all the behaviors that in theory will make be skinny and beautiful, organized and prompt…no more procrastination, wastefulness or bad eating habits. This year was no different, but I'm doing better than in past years. My primary goal for 2009 was to walk two miles a day. I chose last Tuesday as the day. One down. That one wasn't so difficult after all...

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She's baaaaaaaaack!
Posted Tuesday, December 2, at 9:42 PM

Some of you may not have been aware of the reason for Minnie's absence over the past few weeks....ok, months. Well, if you'd been paying attention to the media, and who hasn't, you would have seen that Miss Minnie herself was vying for the top spot in the nation. Yes, there I was, right alongside Oblahma and McSame. Don't know how you could have missed me. I was the one with the orthopedic shoes and the clean shaven chin...

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Why exactly is less more?
Posted Wednesday, September 10, at 9:18 PM

I went down the snack aisle the other day at the big conglomerate grocery store (that we all know and dislike, but go to anyway), in search of some crackers…just a box of plain old crackers. This was no easy task. I found chicken flavored thins (have you ever seen a thin chicken?), bacon and ranch flavored crackers, rosemary and olive oil wheat Triskets, basil and tomato crackers and cheese crackers of all kinds...

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To Spanks or not to Spanks
Posted Friday, August 22, at 12:13 PM

I had a fancy shmancy event to attend recently and was feeling every bit of that extra 20 pounds that I need to walk off or no-carb off or no-sugar off or count points off. And the night before the event, on Oprah (the 10 p.m. version), the beloved Queen of talk was promoting items for women that were "quick fixes" to make them feel and look better (than what they really are, I suppose)...

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Never thought I'd own one of those...
Posted Tuesday, July 22, at 11:49 PM

I recall the younger days when I'd see the "elders," (kind of makes me sound like a Mennonite)…using items that I deemed fit only for the truly aged; those who were (I thought) near calling the cemetery 'home.' Those "oldsters" were probably all of 55'ish at the time. And, I swore that never, no NEVER, would I succumb to the likes of things like bifocals and ankle socks...

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The lost vehicle
Posted Tuesday, July 8, at 10:13 PM

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and lost my vehicle. True story, and one that I hope not to experience again any time soon. I sailed into the parking lot just like I do on almost every given day it seems. You'd think that by now I would have earned a designated spot with my name on it, but since I apparently haven't achieved that rank just yet, I found the nearest-to-the-door convenient parking spot and hustled into the store, with a thousand things on my mind and no shopping list...

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Summertime
Posted Tuesday, June 10, at 11:43 PM

With the onset of the summer season, menopausal minds turn to vacations, or lack of, due to the soaring price of motion lotion. And so, keeping in mind that the mortgage payment on my first home was only eight times the current price of a gallon of gasoline, it seemed an appropriate time to recall a memorable vacation. I can't afford to take one, so I might as well recall one...

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What to do with your stimulus check...the common sense answer
Posted Sunday, May 18, at 12:54 AM

Someone was good enough the other day to forward me an email with a message that, if taken to heart, should result in a profound boost in the local economy. The message was a word to the wise regarding the current stimulus check that if you have not yet received, should be coming your way any day now...

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If they'd only asked...
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She's baaaaaaaaack!
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