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I'm on a diet...

Posted Saturday, July 14, 2007, at 4:11 PM

I'm on a diet and it's guaranteed to work if you will just stick with it. I call it the "Diet of Indecision." You start by not eating in the morning because you can't decide which diet you want to be on this week; Atkins, or the South Beach, or the Mayo or Weight Watchers, or Walk Away the Pounds, or the Glycemic Index. By noon, you're still wavering, so you hold off. Weight Watchers sounds good, but you don't have any of those frozen meals in the freezer, so hmmmm…Atkins? No, damn, I really like my toast and all that fat just couldn't be good for a body. How about that Mayo Clinic Diet..I'm told it's the one they recommend for heart patients who need to lose a quick 40 lbs. Nah, I don't need to lose 40 lbs. The Glycemic Index makes sense, but who has time to look up all those glycemic thingies? Looks like South Beach wins out for today, but then the prospect of no "white food" doesn't look good. I've discovered, however, that if you put enough of that orange'ish popcorn salt on a big bowl of popcorn, it no longer qualifies as "white food."

SO, I go throughout the day trying to decide and in the meantime, I have nothing, because one food contradicts the other where diets are concerned. And, before you know it, it's 10 p.m. and I've eaten nothing. SO, I go weigh and I've lost a pound and a half. Hey, this Indecision Diet really works! I'll have to try it again tomorrow.

As a postscript, you can't be so indecisive that you try all of the aforementioned diet plans within the course of one day. I know from experience, it doesn't work.

Another postscript…if you choose Weight Watchers, don't go buy the Weight Watchers brand ice cream sandwiches that boast of only two points. When you eat the entire box in one sitting, it kinda defeats the purpose….and you will...and again, I know from experience. Been there, done that.

Showing comments in chronological order
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-- Posted by vambfly on Sat, Jul 14, 2007, at 7:08 PM

Diet hint: Keep all the fattening stuff in your freezer...preferably one far away - like in the basement. Note: Do you know how delicious frozen popcorn can be?

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Jul 14, 2007, at 10:34 PM

I'll have to try the frozen popcorn thing, though, judging from this morning's news, we may not be able to afford popcorn very long. They're saying that so much of the corn crop is going to Ethenol.

Does anybody know if there's a low fat microwave popcorn? Most of that stuff has way too much fat and gunk. I prefer to pop it on the stove.

As for the diet business, I'm stuck at -6 and can't get off that plateau. My math isn't good enough to go on Weight Watchers, though I know it works. I once lost ten pounds on it. I think I'd have to chop off an arm or leg to lose more.

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Jul 15, 2007, at 7:03 AM

My husband's been making some snarly comments about my weight lately...thinkin' maybe I should make him one of my "special" cakes that my dear departed husbands loved.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sun, Jul 15, 2007, at 3:22 PM

I guess my theory is right! You've been polishing those husbands off with your "Better-Than-Sex" cakes, haven't you?

Just out of curiousity, is your weight-conscious husband number 5, deary?

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Jul 15, 2007, at 6:34 PM

This is odd...my husband is looking a little peaked - I was sure that he would perk up after sampling my "special cake" as a peace offering for that argument we had about my weight...I'm sure he didn't mean those comments...but he's looking so pale...must just be one of those bugs my former husbands would come down with...

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Mon, Jul 16, 2007, at 1:01 PM

Back when I was in college, it was so easy to lose weight. Why is it so hard now?? I would just stay in my room at the dorm (old Leming Hall), and I'd have my roommate pick me up some crackers when they went over to Myers' Hall to eat. (Leming had no cafeteria by the time I got there. Heck, there's no Leming now! What a neat old place!)

Now it takes an act of Congress and a month of starving to lose as much as a pound! Do you think I'm eating in my sleep?? I read about someone who did that! Maybe I should set up a surveillance camera.

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Jul 16, 2007, at 5:29 PM

Whoa cake lady!! - not sure we should ask you to bake for the next church bake sale! Care to share the ingredients for your delicious concoctions???

-- Posted by qglenellyn on Mon, Jul 16, 2007, at 7:16 PM

I'd like the receipe for one of those "special cakes", too. My catch and release program has a flaw -- sometimes they just don't wanna be released.

Frozen popcorn? Haven't tried it, but I can attest to the wonderful nature of frozen Girl Scout Cookies. I once bought some and thought to keep myself out of them by putting them in the freezer. Need I say more?

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Jul 16, 2007, at 10:48 PM

Seriously, Ducky, you should try frozen popcorn. I popped a whole bunch one time, then stuffed it into the freezer so I wouldn't eat it. Found out it tasted better that way. And I agree, frozen Girl Scout cookies are mighty tasty!

-- Posted by qglenellyn on Tue, Jul 17, 2007, at 11:04 AM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
I think that each one of us should pop some corn tonite, freeze it and report back tomorrow on its merit. I'm popping as we cyberspeak.

It does no good for me to freeze Girl Scout cookies in an attempt not to devour them. They taste even better frozen, so I am thereby justified in eating not ONE box of Thin Mints, but TWO. And I justify that action by reminding myself with each consumption that they're called "THIN" Mints...must be a reason for that.

Minnie, you're on to something! "Thin" Mints must be less fattening. Also, I just ate the broken ones - they have less calories due to calorie leakage. Of course, there weren't usually many already broken ones, so I had to break some - half a box or so at a time.

Now days I just hold up my MedicAlert necklace (not having a crucifix handy) and say "get thee behind me Girl Scout."

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Jul 17, 2007, at 9:06 PM

I wish I had some thin mints right now.

Okay, I'm gonna go pop some corn, but I don't guarantee that it'll make it to the freezer tonight. Maybe I could freeze a couple of kernels.....

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jul 17, 2007, at 9:33 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:

I tried the frozen popcorn. Not bad, but didn't really taste that different than the regular. There has got to be some merit, though, in the fact that it made it to the freezer and remained there overnight. Still, doesn't hold a candle to a box of thin mints or a half dozen Wt. Watchers ice cream sandwiches. There is also a brand called, "Skinny Cow," (appropriately, I might add) that are really tasty at a lower price. There exists the same problem,however. They're like Lays chips...you can't eat just one. Six will suffice, however.

Minnie - as somewhat of an authority on sweets...I believe you are absolutely correct in your assumption that "thin mints" have no calories. But I'd definitely stay away from pound cake. It's evil. And...speaking of evil...Ducky...do you have to hold up a MedicAlert necklace when you eat devil's food cake?

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Wed, Jul 18, 2007, at 1:25 PM

Oh that's funny, letseatcake. I probably should, but I never met a piece of devil's food cake that I didn't like. Oh, except that sorry excuse for a piece of chocolate cake they gave me in the hospital. Those folks must be engineers. I don't know anyone better at turning good food into crap without the process of digestion.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Jul 18, 2007, at 4:00 PM

Hahahahaha! Engineered crap!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 18, 2007, at 10:40 PM

Did you all see the news tonight about the fat food companies that are going to self impose a limit on the amount of commercials they will run that are directed towards young children because they are under pressure for causing obesity in our children. I thought that mom and dad were the one driving the vehicle that pulled in to Mickey D's? Are they allowing 8 year olds to drive now?

Did you also see the PETA people on the news that were dressed in lettuce leaves? I think they were just showing off. More than they should have been.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Wed, Jul 18, 2007, at 11:28 PM

Yeah, but you saw it, and you'll remember the issue, won't you?

Sometimes those groups use dramatic methods, so that our complacent public will pay attention. Let's face it - Dressing up in crazy costumes sure gets attention.

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 19, 2007, at 7:27 AM

By the way, I agree about who's driving the car. It's sad to see adults who are totally at the mercy of their children.

All parenting issues lead back to Dr. Spock, don't they?! His name has become the synonym for parental leniency!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 19, 2007, at 7:29 AM

I do not like that dude! Excuse me, I do not like what that dude wrote. Too late though, the impact is already being felt. On second thought I don't like that dude.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Jul 19, 2007, at 7:26 PM

How could one man have had such a wide-spread influence? Funny thing is - I thought his ideas were discredited, and he apologized for creating all those rude, demanding little monsters (like my cousin's children...).

Why are we still seeing the spawn of Spock????

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 19, 2007, at 8:43 PM

Hey, girls - Just browsing over this blog and noticed that we got completely off the really important topics of the day ---- namely, Girl Scout cookies - and whether thin mints experience calorie leakage when they're broken!

Minnie mentioned Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. I love those things!!! And I refuse to check the calorie information on the box! If you don't KNOW how many calories it has, they DON'T COUNT!!! Everybody knows that rule!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Jul 22, 2007, at 8:40 AM

Actually, Skinny Cows aren't too bad calorie-wise. Unless, alas, you eat the whole box. Been there, done that. Badddddddd Ducky.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Jul 23, 2007, at 7:24 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Let's think about this choice...

Is there ever a positive reference to cows? Fat as a cow, feel like a cow, looks like a cow, and what size woman requires a moo-moo?? I think there's some man somewhere sitting back making his millions off all of us who are silly enough to buy into the "Skinny Cow" concept, yours truly being one of them. Makes me mad to think about it, but more importantly, it makes me hungry...surely I can find five or six of 'em in the freezer for a little snack...mooooooooooooooo.

After our conversation on this blog, I stopped by the old grocery store today and bought another six pack - of Skinny Cow, that is! Male conspiracy or not, I love 'em!!

Besides, if we avoided everything that was a male conspiracy, we'd even have to ban marriage, girls!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 5:58 PM

And all this time I thought that marriage was a female conspiracy. Learning going on here.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 7:43 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Not a conspiracy at all, Truthy...just an agreement between two willing souls. Problem is that given time, some of those "willing" turn out to be "not so willing" to keep some of those promises...whoa..feeling a bit preachy, so better go hunt some more Phyllis Diller bio info or get on to bigger and better...I feel a blog coming on.

Willing souls or not, I fear that the institution of matrimony is far more advantageous to the male of the species than the female --- thus, a male conspiracy!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 9:25 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Perhaps, but there's something to be said for a good foot rub and back massage when needed.

Yes, if you can get the male to cooperate. Usually, not so much. Maybe if I used a little more of the WD40 behind my ears.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Jul 25, 2007, at 8:20 PM

Oh, man --- You're right, Minnie! I haven't had a good back rub in fifteen years..... Forgot that!!

Okay, maybe they're good for something...

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 25, 2007, at 8:57 PM

What happened to Phyllis Diller? Are we finished with her?

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 26, 2007, at 9:22 PM

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