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If I only had a brain...

Posted Friday, August 17, 2007, at 9:47 PM

I'm beginning to understand how the scarecrow felt. If I only had a brain…

I wouldn't make a trip to Wal-Mart for a wedding shower card and come out with strawberries, Wheat Thins (reduced fat, of course), a bouquet of flowers (marked down because their time is just about up), Lemmon & Pepper, a hazelnut coffee-scented candle (just a buck) and a box of Calcium Chews (fat-free) (but no birthday card).

I wouldn't leave three pounds of red potatoes in the cabinet and wonder six weeks later what that horrible stench is. (must have been during one of my "no carb" phases).

I wouldn't wonder why my perm didn't take and then find the unopened bottle of activator on the countertop two days later.

I wouldn't forget my age (sometimes I have to recall the year I started and count forward).

I wouldn't put Comet on top of my lasagna. (they really need to change that Comet packaging).

I wouldn't mistake nail glue for eye drops (only happened once).

I wouldn't leave the sprinkler on all night and wonder why there's a stream running down my road the next morning.

I wouldn't spray my hair with deodorant.

I wouldn't pull through Wendy's and order a Happy Meal.

I wouldn't use a wet washcloth to "clean up" a family heirloom photograph (unless you want a black washcloth and a very smeary photograph).

I wouldn't believe in the promises that all the "ageless" creams proclaim.

I wouldn't put off repairing that underwire before wearing it just one more time (got scars to prove it).

And last but not least…I wouldn't test the theory that powered alum is good for a yeast infection...don't even go there.

Any takers?

m o'

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

I wouldn't brush my teeth with cuticle remover.

I wouldn't pull into town and wonder where I'm going.

I wouldn't push the wrong button on my cell phone (because I'm not wearing my glasses), call a friend, and say, "Hi, sis, whatcha doin'?"

I wouldn't spend 30 minutes looking for my glasses before I can leave the house...or better yet, put them somewhere stupid and have to buy another pair.

I wouldn't keep food in the frig until it rots and I don't have room for the fresh stuff.

I wouldn't lose the remote and find it in my purse.

I wouldn't have to make a long distance call to my cell phone.

I wouldn't forget how to use the DVD.

I wouldn't forget the password to my online bank account and end up getting locked out.

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Aug 17, 2007, at 10:10 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:

When you find your remote in your purse, just don't try to call your sister on it!

And at least you knew at some point in time how to use the DVD..mine's still in the box.

As far as the stuff in the bottom of the fridge...I've seen the makings of several weeks worth of pennicilan in mine.

About those online passwords. I found myself with so many that I finally listed them in my phone book under the appropriate account name...now, if I could just find that phone book.

m o'

I wouldn't open the can of cat food and make a tuna sandwich with it.

I wouldn't lose the phone book to find it in the freezer and the ice cream on the shelf 2 days later...ewwww

and the bad one is I wouldn't get up at 3 a.m. to give the baby his bottle to find out i just fed the same twin twice.

-- Posted by dkunk on Sat, Aug 18, 2007, at 3:44 PM

Hahahahaha!!! These are GREAT!!!

I wouldn't have such a craving for ice cream that I would drive around Cape to three Sonics (ice cream machines broken), one Aldi's (closed), and finally pay $3.22 for one of those new waffle dishes at Dairy Queen.

I wouldn't lock my keys in my car at least twice a year. (But at least I'm not like a friend, whose kids were in the car...)

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Aug 18, 2007, at 9:02 PM

I wouldn't leave the house for work wearing two different shoes....and not notice it for hours!!!

I wouldn't put a shirt on inside out and leave the house either!!!

-- Posted by gawker on Sun, Aug 19, 2007, at 12:00 AM

I wouldn't drive thru Macdonalds and ask for a whopper

I wouldn't drive thru Burger King and ask for a Big Mac

and btw GL those waffle dishes are real yummy espically the chocolate strawberry(take it from a true diabetic)

-- Posted by LUFER on Sun, Aug 19, 2007, at 1:33 AM

Oh, my gosh!! I've done the whopper and Big Mac thing, too!

I wouldn't put my pants on backwards in the morning and only discover it at school when I can't get my hands in my pockets!

I wouldn't bite down on a Jolly Rancher, get my teeth stuck, and have to have a $400 crown installed.

I wouldn't wake up at 3 a.m. with an upset stomach and not be able to get back to sleep, because I ate a chocolate/strawberry waffle dish at DQ!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 19, 2007, at 10:04 AM

GL. $400 crown?! Did you do the Rip Van Winkle thing and only recently woke up? If so, this is 2007.

-- Posted by FJGuy on Sun, Aug 19, 2007, at 5:40 PM

Are you saying that crowns are more than that now?

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 19, 2007, at 8:21 PM

About a thousand bucks last time I checked.

-- Posted by FJGuy on Sun, Aug 19, 2007, at 10:37 PM

Have you tried to make a deposit at the wrong bank?

-- Posted by gardengirl on Mon, Aug 20, 2007, at 10:37 AM

I wouldn't try to cash my paycheck at the wrong bank. (did that once)

I wouldn't go to light a cigarette and light my fingernail polish instead. (my mom actually did that)

When my last boyfriend asked me out for the first time I would have run for the hills!!!!!

I wouldn't forget where I left my pen and then find it behind my ear.

I wouldn't go into the kitchen for something and then have to go back to the living room to remember what it was.

I wouldn't always be saying "one of these days I'll be able to hide my own Easter Eggs."

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Aug 20, 2007, at 1:29 PM

I wouldn't say (truthfully)"If I had a brain, I'd take it out and play with it."

I wouldn't stick the plain envelope with my new debit card in a drawer (unopened) and then go tell the bank that I didn't get it, so they'd have to make me a new account....and then do the same thing with the new card......(I found them both in the drawer last night). Now I have to memorize a new pin.

FJGuy, I don't think crowns are that expensive in this part of the country, but I'm not biting down on a Jolly Rancher again anyway.

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Aug 20, 2007, at 4:35 PM

If I had a brain I would have taken better care of my teeth and I would still have some to get capped.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Mon, Aug 20, 2007, at 8:20 PM

I recall my mother telling me hundreds of years ago, "Take care of your eyes." How, exactly, do you take care of your eyes? Back then, we had no knowledge of what damage the sun would do to them. The teeth you could brush, but the eyes?? Wish I'd have known then what precautions to take.

-- Posted by bringwine on Mon, Aug 20, 2007, at 11:08 PM

Well, same goes for all that sun-worshipping we did every year. I can't count the hours I baked in the sun each summer. Now, we have "fake bake," and one day we'll probably find out that all those self-tanning products cause some kind of cancer, too!

My tiny little grandma, who was young before the turn of the century, conscientiously covered herself from the sun with bonnets and long sleeves.

Of course, back then, any glimpse of skin was a sin!! Guess they knew what they were talking about, didn't they?

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Aug 21, 2007, at 4:53 AM

Just maybe there was some wisdom in what they were saying.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Tue, Aug 21, 2007, at 7:04 PM

Last time I went shopping for a swimsuit I wished they still sold those old "bathing costumes." Maybe there truly was some wisdom in what they were wearing.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Aug 22, 2007, at 2:52 PM

Oh, I would love a "bathing costume"! That would fix me up quite nicely!!

Of course, it might not be overly cooool, but, once it got wet, I'm sure it would be a bit chilly...

Ah, the elegance of yesteryear!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Aug 22, 2007, at 9:30 PM

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