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The perfect man...

Posted Wednesday, September 5, 2007, at 10:53 PM

Much as been said on this blog and more has been implied with regard to the "perfect man", an oxymoron if ever I've heard one! But we shall herein examine that term in spite of the nature of the phrase.

Some would argue that there is no such thing. Others would argue that they're married to him. Yellow Rose thinks she's found such a specimen, but I see where she admits she is only 24!!! That nearly disqualifies her to take part in Minnie's world, but since she has proven her worth by repeatedly offering words of wisdom beyond her years, we'll allow her continuing visitations.

Now, for those of us who are blessed with a bit more wisdom gained through experience, let's just take note of just a few attributes that the "perfect man" might possess.

Hmmmmmmmmmm….for starters, we don't need drop-dead gorgeous. That would only give cause for concern every time he'd leave the house. The looks can be very average, but here are just a few areas of concern that might be addressed. His teeth should remain intact and not be transferred to a glass by the bedside nightly. His ears should not extend wider than his shoulders. His stomach should not prohibit seating in a booth at a casual restaurant. (Speaking of which, he should be familiar with restaurants that do not have booths). He should also refrain from asking for ketchup at a restaurant that requires a reservation. A head of hair is a plus, but the perfect male without said hair should have the good sense not to comb over eight lonely strands and call it hair. It's not. We'd rather deal with shine. Last, but certainly not least, all body parts should be in working order, with or without pharmaceutical assistance and preferably without. And he should dance. Often, but not fast if he can't.

With the physical attributes out of the way, let's move onto some other aspects of the perfect male specimen. He must have a sense of humor. Anyone who is to show affection to a woman past 50 must have a sense of humor for a number of obvious reasons. Next, he should enjoy traveling, and should be a good conversationalist along the way. If, however, we feel like dozing, he should recognize the need to stop conversing. On the flip side, he should also recognize that he is not allowed to doze while we drive, unless of course, we are listening to a particularly good book on tape.

The perfect man will not only mind asking for directions when he's lost, but in order to really win our attentions, he should be in the habit of asking for directions to places that are not even in his destination plans just to prove to us that he is indeed capable of going through that process. Oh, if they only knew what they could gain by asking!

The perfect man should not only put the toilet seat down, he should know how to replace it and the floor it sits upon and the wax ring. And he should do it while we're out, perhaps at the beach or at least down the street with out feet up having a Margarita. We don't want to hear how it went; we just want to come back and find things done. Period.

The perfect man would have a mother who never cooked or cleaned, thereby not putting us in that precarious position of having to "top her." He would also love gardening and wouldn't mind doing it by himself sometimes. And he would realize the value of a good foot massage and would have to enjoy one himself. There's something wrong with a person who doesn't enjoy a massage. I wouldn't trust 'em.

A perfect man would also have to be financially comfortable…not loaded (although that might be a nice change), but just secure. Sometimes we just like to order what we'd really like off the menu with no regard to the cost. Now, there's a luxury!

Finally, just honesty, which should have been the first priority. But then, if any man says he possesses all of the above qualities, including honesty, he's not being honest! Couldn't be! He's a figment of our imagination. Ya think?

Showing comments in chronological order
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Minnie, my dear, you have hit the perfect blog topic, if not the perfect man! Let's hope our discussion doesn't hopelessly doom any of us in our expectations -- but here goes my contribution to your already extensive and hilarious list:

The perfect man should have good enough eyesight to know how to drive from point A to point B without getting hopelessly lost. If he has only 5% vision in one or both eyes, even stopping to ask directions is not gonna help!

He should be aware enough of his surroundings to know when he's driving over the Mississippi River bridge. (Yes, I'm using an actual example from my Match.com experience!)

He should be up on the times enough to have a cell phone in case he's running behind (or does happen to get lost). As my wise younger sister says, not having a cell phone is a character flaw.

He should know how to tell a good story (preferably funny), without sending his audience running from the room.

He should be over his last relationship, and, sadly, that includes his dear departed wife. (He should at least be WORKING on this issue.)

I agree that HONESTY should be at the TOP of the list, though you'll notice that neither of us thought to put it there. HUMOR comes next.

I agree that hair is not important. (Remember a previous blog discussion in which I gave Patrick Stewart as an example.)

Eyes ARE important. He must have two, and he should be able to SEE out of them. He should LOOK - like noticing a pair of deer at the edge of the woods, or a new blouse that you're wearing...

Oddly enough, this old English teacher has to admit that grammar is not important, but good manners are.

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 6:55 AM

Thank you Minnie for your kindness,allowing me to bask in the glow of you and your cyberpals wisdom.

I really do enjoy the perspective of older people,because like I said before, you have been young,but I've never been old so maybe you can help "school" me!

The only thing that really gets on my nerves is now that I've graduated is the "Well, when are you two getting married and having babies and buying a house,blah blahblah?"

1) None of your business.

2) Really none of your business.

I mean look at y'alls list above, how do we know yet that we can tolerate each other when we are retired and stuck in a house together 24/7?

I think he is Mr.Perfect, but is that because he still has all his hair,teeth,20/20 vision,tan with 6-pack abs and other girls want him too?

What about the day when we look like our grandparents with the not-so-sexy bodies to match and NOBODY else is wanting either of us?

Whoever said,"Marry in haste,repent in leisure" has been reading my mind!

Minerva-Goddess of Wisdom,guide me with the insight that surely is followed by hot flashes!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 8:24 AM

You are all so wise. I have little left to add, but here goes:

He must realize that the only true errogenous zone on a woman is her brain. Also, the mind is the only part of us, male or female, that improves with age. The other things: teeth, hair, eyes, killer good looks, 6-pack abs, etc. will fade with time. They'll fall out, fall off, shrivel up or pooch out.

He must be willing to be a best friend as well as a mate. Conversation and companionship improve with continued practice, long after hot monkey sex just seems like too much effort.

My number one priority is RESPECT. Sister Aretha Franklin had it right (he must have been around long enough to know who Aretha Franklin is). He must respect me and inspire/earn respect from me. This includes being as smart or smarter than I am. No, I'm not talking about education - I'm talking about smart.

Dancing would be really, really nice. If he can't dance he must be willing to learn with me. However, I won't require that he fast dance if he looks like a frog in a blender.

-- Posted by Ducky on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 12:59 PM


-- Posted by D.W.B. on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 1:33 PM

What the heck kind of comment is "HUMMM", D.W.B.??? You resurface after about 100 years' absence, and your only comment is, "HUMMM"? C'mon, girl/guy (Have we decided?), you can do better than that!!

Bravo, Ducky! Those are terrific observations!

Yellow Rose, I don't have the answer to your dilemma of when to commit to marriage...but even when you DO, you can still have doubts afterwards. There are no iron-clad agreements. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. In our era, there was no choice - It was either marriage or spinsterhood! There was no "living together," except for my hippie brother....

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 4:41 PM

Dang, I think I could almost qualify, except I never in my life want to have another cell phone and I have always wondered why the ladies can't raise the toilet seat when they are finished. Not perfect I guess, but it sounds like close will do.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 5:10 PM


Watch out, I.B.!! You're about to blog yourself right out of user rights! Asking a woman to raise the seat is like asking a man to replace the cap on the toothpaste...just not gonna happen!

-- Posted by bringwine on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 7:24 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
OH, so many fine observations. As far as that "leap of faith," Goat Woman of many talents, Minnie did that once, actually twice, many moons ago. I was the leap"er" and chose, most foolishly, to wed the same leap"ee" TWICE! One bout with dishonesty and a gut that didn't fit in the restaurant booth and a terrible habit of eating pork 'n beans cold with a spoon out of the can just wasn't enough! Minnie had to go for it all over again, for a total of nearly 30 years, (give or take a year along the way)! Hmmmmmmmm...and I'm the one giving advice..go figure! I count it as lesson(s) learned and I gained more than I lost in the process.

And, did I mention that the perfect specimen would never have to ask what I want for Christmas, birthday, etc? He'd just know, and every gift should come as a surprise.

m o'

Oh My! Cake Lady spends some time searching for the recommended pigmented footwear, then takes a little catnap and Minnie's little blog explodes! I'm sure the perfect man is wandering out there somewhere, and perhaps Minnie will trap...er, find him. In the meantime, my blogger friends have outdone themselves - with the exception of I.B. of course, who, in my opinion, should be put in "time out" for the remainder of this blog or until he exhibits his comprehension of the importance of placing a toilet seat in its proper position.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 8:55 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:

We've missed you. I do trust that you found a significant pigment footwear sale at Dillards or Macy's and hope you thought to pick up some flour and vanilla while you were out. One just never knows when the need might arise.

I do agree that I.B. is due for a period in "time out," as you so appropriately suggest. So, Truth or Consequences (if that is your real name)..you are hereby restricted in partaking in this blog of blogs until such time as Minnie deems appropriate, or 10 p.m. Central Standard Time on 9/6/07, whichever comes first. That allows you a good 28 minutes to repent, so start now. I wouldn't want to totally dismiss you, as you do tend to offer colour to this setting, in spite of your gender.

m o'

Oh, girls, you did hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial head! Time out for I.B.!! He has just 3 more minutes until he can post on Minnie's blog again!!

What woman in her right mind would consent to raising the toilet seat?? Shocking suggestion!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 10:04 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:

Meant to mention, but apparently forgot..imagine that. Yes, interesting that we should both assign "honesty" as a priority and yet both of us fail to mention that until nearly the end...could it be that neither of us really EXPECT it!? Hmmm, a bit of bashing at work, I'm afraid. Sorry, Truthy, and by the way, you can come out of "time out" now. I hope you've learned your lesson. May there be no more "seats up" left at your house.

m o'

Goat Lady,

I almost hate to admit it, but I had a brief and regretted experience with match.com myself some time ago. I discovered that if I didn't like fishing and/or country music, I was out of luck. I also found that I was in a minority because I could spell. I especially liked the pictures included with the bios of the individuals who had obviously and literally "cut out" their former significant other in their posted photos! In some, you could actually see the hand of the dismissed "other" as it hung along over the shoulder of the potential "match!" Most males pictured in our area are wearing fishing caps with hooks and lures pinned to the brim and the rest resemble wax figures of TV evangelists. One 61 year-old lives with his mother, smoked and drank on a "daily" basis, couldn't spell, had no religion, and had an inviting income of $15,000 annually. I think he was counting his mother's check in that amount. But, he liked long walks in the moonlight...alone, I assume. I think his name was Ralph. I think Minnie should start her own online dating service. She could call it, "Minnie's Male Mates.com

-- Posted by bringwine on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 10:30 PM

If you want a prince, raise the toilet seat and he will lower it for you.

If you want to be noticed for your brain why are plastic surgeons getting filthy rich putting the implants in the wrong place.

One or both of us has the wrong impression.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 11:00 PM

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder...is there either man or WOMAN

I will take my time out now

-- Posted by LUFER on Fri, Sep 7, 2007, at 12:58 AM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Oh, Mr. Truth...get ready for some more time out, cause I've got some answers for you, dearie. And, you may have some company in your time out corner in the form of Lufer.

You ask why it is, perchance, that if the "fairer" sex wishes do be noticed for their brain above all else, then why is it that surgeons are making their millions by placing implants in various areas of their anatomy????

Here is your answer, such as it is, and you'll be sorry you asked, I.B.

This fairer sex of mine chooses (as time and cash allows) to implant here and there and to lift there and yonder) in an effort to impress the notably "unfairer" sex. And the reason for that….BECAUSE THOSE IMPLANTS ARE THE FIRST (AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY) THING THEY NOTICE!!! They don't pay any attention to the brain of a woman who passes them on the street or sits across from them in a restaurant or sports bar. When was the last time you heard another guy say to you, "Would you get a load of that brainy girl over there!"

And so, your gender has forced us to display and enhance certain attributes that amazingly provoke interest on your gender's part, but only with the anticipation that you will eventually come to your senses and appreciate the female for more than what is evident upon the surface.

I would venture to place bets, however, Truthy, on this…that all of those wealthy plastic surgeons who daily place implants into those who can afford the insertion of those gel- packed ziplock bags….every one of them, I'm betting…………

………put the seat down.

Just as well, LUFER, because I can't understand what you just said, anyway.

Oh, I.B., you've opened up an entirely new sore point with the non-Barbie doll crowd of women - and this has (I admit) nothing to do with men! ...Or wait a minute! Yes, it does!

You are describing those Blonde Bimbo members of our species - who are giving in to male expectations/fantasies and (in a desperate effort to attract the opposite species) are having ...dare I say it??? BREAST IMPLANTS!

ARGGGG!!! Horrors of all horrors!!!

Why a woman in her right mind would want to have a foreign object such as leaky silicone implanted into her body is beyond me!

I fear you will have provoked the Wrath of Minnie on this one!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 7, 2007, at 5:41 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
OH, dear GT..

We must be on the same wave length this evening..members of the Friday evening Lonely Heart Club! Minnie just responded to Truth seconds ago! Great minds...

m o'

Do you really think a mans brain is the first thing a woman notices?

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Fri, Sep 7, 2007, at 7:47 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Right after an honest smile and attentive eyes that aren't darting around the room in search of implants!

You GOT it, I.B.! All the things that attracted us when we were Yellow Rose's age don't mean crap now!

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 7, 2007, at 10:05 PM

Minnie dear, I can't imagine how MANY things you learned by marrying the same man TWICE!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 7, 2007, at 10:08 PM

Whoa! This board is moving so quickly I may need my smelling salts! And our dear Minnie marrying the same person twice? Is that true, Minnie? Just think of the knowledge you picked up along the way! Bringwine has the right idea - Minnie's MaleMates.com! Not that I would have any personal use for such a board at the present time...we're all getting such valuable information from our fellow bloggers...but the concept is intriguing.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 7:58 AM

Thank you dear ladies,I will take this one-

Dearest Rosie-I will tell you two when it is time,how about that? Yes he is pretty,but I remember when I changed his poopy diaper,I never imagined you'd hook up with my first babysitting job.I still see you both as babies,but I'll try to overlook that.

With a 50% divorce rate in this country,I am glad to see you NOT rushing into this. Even at my slightly older age,we felt pressure to be engaged during college,Mom and Grandma had felt it during high school,so maybe we can get smarter now.

I found my Mr.Perfect for Me during college. I am so lucky I didn't marry my high school boyfriend,because he turned out to be a druggie,thief,and deadbeat dad.You know if he had done that to me,Daddy would have just made him a dead dad,so we all dodged a bullet.

I really think no one should marry before age 25, or maybe even 30. You really don't know yourself until you are older,and look at Mom,you can have kids in your 40's(but please,no more Mother,it would just be creepy now).

Have fun,pay down those student loans,and perhaps "he" should live on his own and pay bills (but not with you)

I really don't think having money troubles at the beginning of a marriage has ever helped anyone,in fact it's up there with adultery as a primary cause of divorce!

Also,my baby is too little to be your flowergirl,so that's that!

-- Posted by Queen of Essex on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 8:44 AM

You girls are right on target as usual. I.B., you're out numbered, but don't let that stop you from blogging on.

Personally, I think the answer to the toilet seat up/down issue is to have women's and men's bathrooms in the house.

A friend of mine got so tired of the issue with her two teenage sons that she took the seat completely off the toilet in their bathroom and restricted them to use only that room. I believe it cured them.

Another solution is to keep both lids down when the toilet is not in use. Then everyone has to lift and put down. I prefer my first solution.

As for the implant issue - it's because some women are susceptible to the dark side of the Force in their early years. They fall under the evil influence of, gasp, ADVERTISERS! Need I say more.

Women buy cosmetics, clothes, hair products, cosmetic surgery, etc. all for the misguided notion, fostered by the advertising world, that they need it all to snag a mate. Men keep searching for that one perfect fishing lure. They're both doing the same thing, they just have different prey in mind.

-- Posted by Ducky on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 8:52 AM

I guess I am at a mental disadvantage. The toilet was out back and didn't have a lid.

I admit that I am not perfect. I gotta look, but that doesn't mean I can't control my actions.

Is there a perfect man? I doubt it. Well, there was one once and he was crucified.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 9:09 AM

Oh, well said, I.B., and ever since, the female has been in search of one that might hold up. Not gonna happen.

I believe dear Ducky nailed it..just varied prey in mind. Excellent. And do we EVER fall to the prey of advertising execs, to the tune of billions. If we'd take some of that money and spend it on a second bathroom, we'd all be better off!

I.B., you are so correct about one thing....you ARE at a mental disadvantage on this blog. But rest assured we all enjoy you anyway. You're our token male brain...another oxymoron, Minnie! Sorry, I.B....just had to say that.

-- Posted by bringwine on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 9:26 AM
Minne O'Pausal's response:

We do seem to be "movers and shakers" on this line of thinking..says volumes for our social endeavors, doesn't it!!

Cake, I'm afraid all I learned the second time around is that a leopard doesn't change its spots! I can only say that I wish Cake was an acquaintance back then. I could have used a good recipe.

I.B., truer words were never spoken regarding the Perfect One having been crucified. I recall having met a few in my lifetime, though, who thought they could take His place! Those are the worst kind.

Advertisements...hmmmmmm...a blog for another time. I'm busy this morning making imaginary pink frosted cupcakes with a little three year-old who likes to do dishes and thinks funnells are birthday party hats! What fun!

m o'

Cake Lady, you are right: This blog has simply EXPLODED!! Minnie, you hit the funny bone! Even the Queen of Essex is sharing her familial humor! Queenie and Yellow Rose, your mom must have some terrific sense of humor to have fostered two such witty daughters! And wise beyond your years.

Mmmmm....so you changed Rosie's sexy boyfriend's poopy diapers?? Hard to take them seriously after that, isn't it?

So many cool topics -- Hard to choose just one!! The effect of advertisers on boob jobs....men in search of the perfect lure...women in search of the perfect man...I.B. being at a mental disadvantage.... My mind is all discombobbulated!

All I can do is laugh!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 7:17 PM


That's the best medicine for the soul anyway!

-- Posted by bringwine on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 8:54 PM

So true, goat lady. All I can do is laugh -- imagining a young male hotty as a baby with poopy diapers. What a hoot! Can't take them seriously after that. hahahahaha. Oh, I hurt.

Queen of Essex you're a breath of fresh air.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Sep 10, 2007, at 4:58 PM

Those two-please!

I can't believe he is even old enough to drive.We live on the same bus route, and his first week of school,he pushed Rosie out of my lap so he could sit there! I have sooo many embarassing,yet humorous stories of them,I think I shall start a journal,resplendant with pictures of grade school teeth!

Yes, it's beginning to look like scrapbooks for Christmas,I'd better get started now if they're to be done by December (this year too, I hope).

-- Posted by Queen of Essex on Mon, Sep 10, 2007, at 5:16 PM

Oh, Queenie, what a wonderful idea! What a lovely memento for you to pass down to your sister and her intended!

Ah, the joys of an older sister!! Yes, indeed, they are the most wonderful invention known to younger siblings! Everyone should have an older sister to keep them in line and foster their development!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Sep 10, 2007, at 7:24 PM

Hear, hear! Although I fear my younger brother would not share your feelings. I adore my older sister and thank Heaven regularly for her mere existence.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Sep 19, 2007, at 1:27 PM

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