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If a woman...

Posted Wednesday, September 12, 2007, at 8:55 PM

In all my magnificent, momentous, mythical, monumental, marvelously miniscule Minnie wisdom, I have curiously and cautiously contemplated this entry. In spite of myself, I still am compelled to pass on these words of Minnie wisdom to the unsuspecting maleisms who frequent this site. It should be considered a valuable tool for all men. I consider the content herein words to live by...FOR men FROM menos. Consider yourself most fortunate, if you are of the male persuasion, to be among those who are chosen to benefit from this most confidential information. I shall title it....

If a woman...

If a woman asks you, "How much do you think I weigh?" Tell her, without hesitation, "110…Tops!" I don't care if she tops the scales at 310, tell her 110. You'll be glad you did.

If a woman asks you, "What dress size do you think I wear?" and the size 24 tag is dangling on the outside of her moo-moo….tell her "Size 8."

If a woman asks you, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" …DON'T pause, don't hesitate for a meno moment…as quickly as you can spit the words out, state "FAT???? Are you kidding me?" (Even if you're thinking "fat" doesn't begin to describe it…even if she can't see her feet).

If a woman tells you, "I'm thinking of redecorating the house," get a pen ready, cause you're about to sign some second mortgage papers.

If a woman tells you, "Hmmmmmm…about those pants…" Go change.

If you ask a woman, "What's wrong?" because you know something's wrong, and she answers, "Nothing's wrong," …..get a lawyer, cause something's wrong.

If a woman tells you, "I'm on a diet" and she means it…get ready, 'cause you're on a diet too.

Any other offerings of wisdom for our maleisms?

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

If a woman asks, "Honey, do you think you would like me better as a blonde?" answer, "Dear, I like you just the way you are," even if her hair looks like fried spaghetti...

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Sep 12, 2007, at 10:07 PM

If a woman makes you lunch, and tells you " This was perpared with love" beware of the other ingredients.

-- Posted by Guido Sarducci on Thu, Sep 13, 2007, at 1:10 PM

Minnie, it seems to me that what we have here is a failure to communicate.From what I have gathered over my vast years of experience with women, the best way to deal with them is simply to lie to them. And now this blog has backed up my belief. On that note...I enjoy reading your blogs...

-- Posted by Guido Sarducci on Thu, Sep 13, 2007, at 1:21 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
My Dear Guido...(if indeed, that is your real name),

I would not be so hasty in using the "L" word...let us rather say "infer" or "pacify" or "protect oneself from physical harm by choosing appropriate responses," but not LIE!! We have certainly learned from our Vatican teachings, as I'm sure you have in your "fatherly" role, that lying is not a good thing.

P.S. We all so enjoyed you on SNL.

What?? Where did YOU come from??? Have you been secretly watching Minnie's blogs all these many weeks, just waiting for an opportunity to pounce??

Mmm....there's something sinister here... I detect a snake in the grasssssssss........

Be careful where you step, Minnie. Are you wearing your snake boots???

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Sep 13, 2007, at 4:08 PM

Yes I have read Minnie's blogs and enjoyed them very much especially the perfect man blog. And this one is very interesting as well. I do like the way Minnie skated around the "L" word, very good points all, but if it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, then it is probaly a duck. Lets face it, women say they want men to be honest, but an honest man ends up paying child support.

-- Posted by Guido Sarducci on Fri, Sep 14, 2007, at 9:37 AM

Hmmm, Guido...usually it's the DIShonest men who end up paying child support. So, just how does an honest man end up in that position?

-- Posted by bringwine on Fri, Sep 14, 2007, at 9:14 PM

Unfortunately, I think there are quite a few men who tell themselves the same thing that Guido has told himself -- and it's their justification for their own pattern of dishonesty.

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 14, 2007, at 9:57 PM

Hmmmm, the same way a dishonest man does. It involves a dishonest woman, usually.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sat, Sep 15, 2007, at 12:28 AM

It seems that the women on here think all men are just a like. Where as I am open minded enough to realize all women arent the same. You know it never solves a problem by stereotyping a group of people. So just as all women dont gossip and shop all the time, neither are all men dishonest. There are plenty of dishonest women out there, as there are plenty of men who like to shop. So enough "hen peckin" ladies and lets have some intelligent banter.

-- Posted by Guido Sarducci on Mon, Sep 17, 2007, at 10:50 AM

As much as I appreciate the advertising Guido, everything that walks like a duck, etc. ain't necessarily a duck. Basically, I think all people (male or female) are not totally honest when it comes to relationships. There are degrees of honesty. When someone says "how do you like my new dress?" are we brutally honest and say that it makes them look like a cow in drag, or do we say it's a lovely color? There's a big difference between that and having your spouse promise to "cleve only unto him/her," then sleep around and swear they didn't.

As long as both parties agree on the rules of conduct (or maybe the rules of engagement, no pun intended) there isn't a problem. In all seriousness, my philosophy has always been if it won't matter in 5 years, don't fight about it. Also in all seriousness, I've been one half of a couple multiple times and I've also been alone. Based on past experience I now choose to be alone, but part of that is me and part him.

I don't think anyone involved in the blog says everything in absolute seriousness or takes what is said totally seriously. Among their other uses, blogs are meant to let the users let off a little steam, so lighten up Guido. You're much funnier on SNL.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Sep 17, 2007, at 11:27 AM

Ducky thank you for the advice, but I am most certainly lighten up. Nothing intended here but fun. Even though I could probably take you in a Texas Death Match, I know the pen is mightier than the sword. SO I know better than to try and match wits with all you women. I just thought the maybe you all would want a mans perspective on some of these issues. But I am glad you liked my work on SNL...since then ive been doing the carnival circiut, so dont take me too serious...

-- Posted by Guido Sarducci on Mon, Sep 17, 2007, at 12:17 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Oh My…a tisk on Minnie's site…hmmmmm and hmmmmm once again.

I, for one, welcome Guido to our little world, but like Ducky, I contend that he's taking some of our comments just a bit too seriously. Guido, we don't use the site to praise the efforts of the common man, cause, quite frankly…what fun would that be? There is considerably more quality time spent in citing the "other side." Let me clarify, now, that we're not "bashing" the maleisms among us, except in cases where it is obvious that they deserve it. We're merely taking note of some of the traits, habits, and primarily attitudes, that they exude among us. Sometimes one just has to laugh, and that is the foremost intended purpose here. I'm confident that if said maleisms had the platform that we herein so enjoy, we'd be the ones begging for mercy..

Now, on the honesty issue...I've witnessed relationships that went bad due to the dishonesty of the male and I've witnessed some that ended due to the dishonesty of the female. And I've witnessed both as they tried to justify their deceptions time and time again. I've witnessed forgiveness and I've witnessed harbored resentment for a lifetime which is no forgiveness at all. I've learned this...if you're going to tell smoeone you forgive them for a wrongdoing, then really forgive them. That means don't bring it up again and don't use it against them and vice versa. To forgive is one thing, but to truly forget is yet another. I think that we seldom "forget." We put episodes behind us, and we get "past" it, but we don't just dismiss it. They serve forever as life's lessons. Such things do become less and less relevant over time and it never ceases to amaze me how much what I thought was the end of my life as I knew it years ago means nothing at the moment. SO, time is the best healer!

Minnie, you are truly so wise. Do not be swayed by the likes of Guido...I'm sure he means well, but he will never truly be "one of us" so we must take his comments in stride. However, it is always amusing to hear maleisms - it makes life so interesting. And, good heavens, if my husband ever told me I looked like a cow in drag, I would head directly to the kitchen to whip up a special treat for him...if you know what I mean.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Mon, Sep 17, 2007, at 7:31 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:

Always good to get your input and isn't that what those maleisms are for anyway...to take in stride! I know should the occasion arise to bake up that special culinary classic, you won't be stingy with the vanilla.

m o'

I think guys must be a lot different. If I ask my wife a question like do I look fat, she will be brutally honest. She may say I love you anyway, but I won't get upset either way. If I ask, I want to know. I just can't understand asking and expecting a positive answer, no matter what. Explain please.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Tue, Sep 18, 2007, at 8:37 PM

Sorry boys,but no can do on giving you the secret as to what makes women tick.

If we did that,no flowers,jewelry,candy,or sweet lovenotes would ever exist!

Although the ladies give you their experienced insight,they never give the secret completely away. Comedy Central would go off the air if you knew the what,where,why and when of women.

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Tue, Sep 18, 2007, at 8:43 PM

Good answer, Yellow Rose! Keep 'em guessing! WE know, but we'll NEVER TELL!!

Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood!!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Sep 18, 2007, at 10:14 PM

So true, ladies. Personlly, I think men and women are actually two different species who just happen to be able to interbreed. Neither gender is going to understand the other - we both just think we do. Some of us have rare moments of insight - our exhalted leader, Minnie in particular. Hail, oh Wise One.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Sep 19, 2007, at 1:23 PM

So true, Ducky. Let's hope they never understand us completely (as if that were a possibility). If they did, we probably would never hear another wonderful story from our beloved Minnie!

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Thu, Sep 20, 2007, at 7:18 AM

Men are so easy to understand. If you are trying to analyze men, don't try too hard and make it more difficult than it really is.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Sep 20, 2007, at 8:22 PM

How cute! Sometimes men can be so endearing!

Then, other times.....

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Sep 20, 2007, at 8:41 PM

My sister has the best word. We're Horse patuties.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Sep 20, 2007, at 10:55 PM


I think that's 'patooties.' (that's cause you have to sometimes 'toot' your own horn!!)Some patooties, fortunately, are cutie (as opposed to 'cootie') patooties. Those would be the wealthy older variety with the bad coughs that we spoke of earlier.

-- Posted by bringwine on Thu, Sep 20, 2007, at 11:30 PM

Well thanks bringwine. I must not be one since I can't spell it. I had the impression it wasn't a good thing either way.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Sep 20, 2007, at 11:52 PM

Haha..."cutie patooties" and "cootie patooties.." Just how would you define a "patootie"? Is it a "patty," as in poop patty? Or is it a harsh wind?

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 21, 2007, at 9:36 PM

Mmmm....wonder what ever happened to Guido Sarducci? He's disappeared from the blogs!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Sep 30, 2007, at 5:37 PM

Probably on a seminary retreat in the mountains.

-- Posted by bringwine on Mon, Oct 1, 2007, at 6:56 AM

Is it possible that we scared him off?? Hee hee....

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Oct 2, 2007, at 8:19 AM

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