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What are they thinking?

Posted Monday, September 24, 2007, at 8:55 PM

Every so often I come across packaging information or other consumer data in the realm of "information" that is just not right. One has to wonder just what in the world the authors of this information were smoking when they arrived at their respective conclusions.

Case in point…a 6.5 oz. Bag of Ruffles potato chips…not just any chips, but Light Original Fat free, made with Olestra chips. (What is that Olestra, anyway?…made from owls or ole's or ostler's or very small orchestras that didn't quite make the grade?) Packaging claims that one serving consists of one ounce, which is about 17 chips. Information on the packaging states that there are seven (7) servings in one bag!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

There are TWO servings per package….TOPS! And that's to the same individual who tore open the package. The servings might be consumed (or gobbled) 30 minutes apart, but ok, I'll give in that they serve as two separate servings. But, HELLO??? To separate this bag into seven separate and individual servings is like instructing Adam to just take enough skin off the apple to cover his eye tooth. It ain't gonna happen. And besides, they're fat free, so what difference does it make? Doesn't that phrase alone grant free reign?

Similarly, a can of soup, which requires no water to be added, and accommodates one cereal bowl quite nicely, says it contains 2.5 servings. I DON'T THINK SO! Not on the best of days. Not even on a low-carb day. One serving…TOPS. So, why not just let the label read, "One can is one meal." End of story.

Even a 14.5 oz. Can of green beans…GREEN BEANS, for God's sake, says it'll serve 3.5 people. I think not! Two at best. And if it's a no or low-carb day, it's the whole can, easily.

Oreos….we won't even go there.

Even one of those items that is supposed to be GOOD for us is broken down into one individual serving…that's the Spring Valley brand Chewable Calcium wraps for Women!! One serving is 20 calories and 4 carbs, with 2 sugars. That is, unless you choose the Sugar free calcium chews, which I do sometimes, but am finding in the heat that they're very difficult to open. So, I'm sticking to the regular, heaven forbid. And I'm finding that I need about three at a sitting to satisfy. I'm either going to have the strongest bones in town or the worst case of calcium deposits on my hips! (Take it off, doc, I dare you!!)

And now, the worst offender on the list of "Packaging Information Providers,"….the Skinny Cow recommendation. REALLY! What are they thinking? One Skinny Cow is not one serving, not by a long shot, ESPECIALLY on a low-carb day. One plastic wrapped, find-a-pocket knife-to-open-in-a hurry, sealed six servings per package is… ONE serving in disguise. Plain and simple. Easy. And that includes sucking the outer covering of cake-like perforated chocolate off one's fingertips.

I believe, in all my Minnie wisdom, (and there's plenty), that behind the computer that is producing all of the serving size data, sits one teeny-tiny malnourished 85 pound 28 year-old who uses the words, "it's like" too often in her vocabulary, and has without fail been able to look directly downward and been able to quickly identify her own feet, unlike the majority of us.

I think that 50 something-plus women should have some say in the portion size that is included on today's packaging. After all…we're the ones consuming most of it, especially if it involves chocolate.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

So true about the Skinny Cows! Oh, man, I love those things! In fact, I'm gonna go get me one right now!


So, enlighten me, dear wise Minnie - What makes one day a "low carb" day, while another day isn't?

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Sep 24, 2007, at 10:26 PM

GL - I believe that a "low carb" day relates to the shape of the clouds one perceives to resemble calcium hip deposits. If the shapes resemble a bag of Ruffles, for instance, or, more likely, a Skinny Cow, it indicates a low carb day. On the other hand, if they resemble melting chocolate malts from Mc Donalds, they're more likely to indicate global warming - in which case we would have to request permission from either Al Gore or Minnie to consume carbs.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, at 3:15 AM

Oh, Cake Lady, between you and our illustrious Minnie, you keep all of us so well-informed!

I shall watch the clouds intently today for a sign. Mmmm...what might rain indicate about carb consumption?

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, at 7:52 AM

I went to school with a few girls who had eating disorders,of course they both became registered dieticians. The serving size nonsense is written by and for poor tortured souls such as these,who are mentally ill. They are sick,sick,malnourished women now.

To not give a rat's a** about the ingredients other than salt,sugar,and something that might make you barf or break out,is to be given a clean bill of mental health!

Who else uses those little kitchen scales other than these sickos and drug dealers?

Minnie, of course Olestra has a complicated Latin name, Ole-which means "large quanitites" and stra-which translates "explosive diarrhea".

Eat too much of anything with Olestra and you'll have a case of the "orange greasies" and you can't guarantee where you'll be when it happens!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, at 8:37 AM

Yellow Rose, I like your style!!! You go girl! You are toooooo right about that Olestra crap (and I mean the crap literally).

I love Cake Lady's definition of a low-carb day. I absolutely HATE reading those stupid labels and counting those stupid carbs. I'd much rather base it on the day. Now, if I could just convince my Nazi of a doctor. I swear he studied under Joseph Mengele.

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, at 5:13 PM

Well, I prescribe to the Erma Bombeck Dietary Guidelines, which include "Nothing is fattening if you eat it standing up," and "Food is not fattening if you eat the leftovers off your childrens' plates."

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, at 5:38 PM

LOVED Erma...I still miss her. Remember "The Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank," or someting similar. She was wonderful!

-- Posted by bringwine on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, at 6:11 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Eat Cake...I like your criteria of determining a "no or low-carb day better than my own. In actuality, I determine the day's status by implementing the "suck-in" quotient. If I spend more than 3.5 second "sucking in" while donning my work attire, it's a no-carb day. Less than 3.5 and it's definitely a six Skinny Cow day. Just can't figure why I am still experiencing both.

I have a dilemma of greater importance on my agenday presently, however. It is this...

If ONE spray of Fat Free Parkay 44% Vegetable Oil Spread Spray contains zero calories, zero transfats, zero cholesterol, zero calories from fat, zero saturated fats, zero polyunsaturated fats, zero monounsaturated fats, and of most importance...NO CARBS...then how many of the above do 57 sprays contain???? Does the rule of Zero times Zero being zero still apply??? I was so inquisitive that I actually was driven, for the first time in my Minnie life, to call the toll free number of 1-800-988-7808 and inquire. Well, all that I can say is you have to dial it yourself to understand. How any grown adults can sit around a table and agree as to what options might be included on this call help line...well, it's just beyond me. Keep in mind there are people who are getting paid (very well, I'm afraid) for designing these help lines. Please dial away and let me know how helpful they were.

I'm afraid I've been left out of the loop. Can someone please tell me what a skinny cow is? To me, it sounds like some oxymoron for fat people.

-- Posted by sc1120 on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 4:44 AM

Hahaha!! I'll take this one, Minnie!

Skinny Cow is the brand name of a delightful ice cream sandwich, which comes in a long tube - six to a tube. Each sandwich is 140 calories. 2 Weight Watcher pts. No trans fat.

They come in vanilla, chocolate (hard to find), strawberry, and mixed (very hard to find). The wafer is always chocolate.

DELICIOUS!! It's a staple on the goat farm! (No, I don't share with my goats)

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 6:31 AM

Okay ladies-be our pals and for those of us who now HAVE to try a skinny cow,where can we buy them locally?

Also,are they just good all the time,or more like Ben & Jerry's,better for emotional times? Perhaps they are like Breyer's,suitable for company?

Tell me their not cheap,like Best Choice for the Visiting Grandkids?

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 7:33 AM

I've bought them at the WalMart in Cape. I don't think Town and Country in Advance has them. Not sure about the WalMart in Dexter. They're good alllllll the time, for when you're with company or alone. Actually, I prefer alone, then there's no one to watch me make a pig of myself. No, they're definitely not for the grandkids - who, in my experience, will eat absolutely any hideous concoction if it comes in a McDonald's red box.

-- Posted by Ducky on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 1:20 PM

OMG-they are pretty freaking good! My mom got me a package at PB WalMart,the sugar free kind,vanilla,and I'm afraid they won't see sunrise on Sunday.

I bet the chocolate ones are worth begging Wal-Mart to start selling.

I thank you so much, I'm so verklempt,I'll have to eat another one now!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 5:56 PM

Yes, they do have them at Town & Country in Advance, though they don't always have all the varieties. I have no idea what they cost -- I just buy them without looking at the price.

Yellow Rose, what is "verklempt"????

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 9:17 PM

The chocolate are to DIE FOR!!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 9:17 PM

Never have seen the chocolate variety locally. I'm also curious as to what "verklempt" means??? Certainly hope it's not another acrynom...Goat Lady and I are worn to the bone trying to figure those out.

-- Posted by bringwine on Fri, Sep 28, 2007, at 9:33 PM

Hahaha! So true, bringwine! No more acronyms, D.W.B., FJGuy, and H.O.E.!!

Though "verklempt" sounds German (?), I'll bet maybe it's a Shiite word, meaning "absolutely ravenously hungry," possibly "starved beyond recognition," or maybe "Skinny Cow Deficient."

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Sep 29, 2007, at 6:25 AM

Verklempt is a yiddish word meaning "overcome with emotion". It became popular on SNL with Mike Myers doing a parody of his ex-mother-in-law,Linda Richman on "Coffee Talk".

She would get verklempt,on the verge of tears, and tell her audience to "talk amongst yourselves",then give them some obscure topic to muse over,until she was back in control. My folks always tape SNL,then we watch it on Sunday afternoons,something I still do. It is still pretty freaking funny!

The poor skinny cows are halfway to ice cream heaven-they'll never make it to sunrise,as my mom is coming over later!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Sat, Sep 29, 2007, at 9:38 AM


You should, perhaps, travel from the flatlands of Essex to the even-flatter lands of Business Hwy. 60 and replenish your Skinny Cow supply, lest your dear Mother become verklempt. There's nothing worse than a verklempt, SkinnyCow-less Mother on a Fall day in the Bootheel.

-- Posted by bringwine on Sat, Sep 29, 2007, at 11:50 AM

Aha! Now we know Rosie's secret source of societal humor! Trouble is, there are those of us who can't stay awake late enough to watch SNL and are too technology-deficient to tape it.

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Sep 29, 2007, at 9:18 PM

Here I am at sunrise,coming off of my skinny cow highs.

Thank goodness I am all alone,my hands still sticky,hair uncombed.

O what a sight-o what a mess!Yet, I have something still to confess.

Within the day I'll be at a store-

at the freezer case,trying to score.

I must have much more of this wicked delight,

Because my mom and grandma are coming over tonight!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Sun, Sep 30, 2007, at 8:43 AM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Oh, Yellow Rose, you must beware,

and learn now how to Skinny Cow share,

I know from whence I speak, it's true,

for I'm a Skinny addict too.

Intentions are to reach for one,

but all are gone before I'm done.

Somehow they jump from pack to mouth,

with good intentions heading south.

Oh, woe we are; we've all been cursed,

Could this infliction get much worse?

We need to beg for, on our knees,

A cure for Skinny Cow disease.

There was a young lady named Minnie,

Who dined upon cows that were skinny.

When asked if she'd share,

She picked up a chair

And threw it on top of the ninny.

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Sep 30, 2007, at 5:15 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
And that's why Miss Minnie appears,

a bit pudgier over the years;

Since she dines all alone

till the "cows" all come home,

as the ninnies depart amidst tears.

A Skinny Cow served all alone is

bad for goodness sake.

The only way to serve the Cow

is on a piece of cake!

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sun, Sep 30, 2007, at 7:09 PM

How true, Letseat, and well you know,

those cows are for your fella.

Just use good judgment as you add..

a dash of pure "vanella"!!

-- Posted by bringwine on Sun, Sep 30, 2007, at 8:53 PM

I am sitting here,willing the clock to move,so I can put the phone on voicemail and go home to the herd. It has been a busy day and by NOT pimp slapping anyone in the office for taking too many breaks,NOT slashing tires of exceptionally impolite clients,or really going postal at the post office(note to "I just want stamps"-they have a freaking vending machine in the lobby so how dare YOU complain about how slow the line moves & how lazy clerks are-you are part of the problem!)and NOT flipping the bird to the guy who cut me off at Allen Christian only to wind up at the same light, I deserve some quiet time with anything my mom may have accidentaly left in my freezer-possesion is 9/10ths of the law or so I'll say if asked.

Can I ever thank you all enough for making me part of the Skinny Cow Sisterhood (soon to include the Sisterhood of the Traveling Stretch Pants if I don't do some extra workouts on the old treadmill).

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Mon, Oct 1, 2007, at 6:06 PM

I hear that, Yellow Rose! This morning I'm trying to figure out if my beloved Skinny Cows are the culprit in a recent 3-pound weight gain! It was so HARD to get those pounds off - and it was so EASY to let them find me again!!

I am so verklempt!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Oct 2, 2007, at 8:02 AM

Goat Lady, please do not distress over minor weight gains. One only has to raise the mirrors so as not to observe the "offending portions" of one's anatomy. And Yellow Rose, stretch pants are a grand invention...by stretching one's clothing you thereby eleminate the need for additional fabric, thus freeing the excess fabric to be used for a more worthy cause. Therefore, you are indeed making the world a better place. Be proud.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Tue, Oct 2, 2007, at 6:54 PM

Cake Lady, you are always there with up-to-the-minute suggestions! What would we ever do without you??

I find that, as time goes by, I have less and less "UNoffending portions" at any point on my physical structure!!

One day I will have to be like the wicked witch in Snow White and destroy all the mirrors in my castle!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Oct 3, 2007, at 9:00 AM

Yes! Goat Lady, you are right on target. No More Mirrors!!!! I love it.

Once I visited a crappy cousin of mine in her oh-so-newly finished house - so new that the frame was up in the bathroom, but no mirror. It made me feel like a vampire - no reflection.

Come to think of it - given that particular cousin - she probably left the mirror out deliberately so she didn't have to be reminded that SHE was a vampire. Hahaha.

-- Posted by Ducky on Thu, Oct 4, 2007, at 2:51 PM

Mmm...a vampire cousin, eh?? I think I have one like that! We must confer, Ducky Dear!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Oct 5, 2007, at 6:35 AM

Skinny Cow Breaking News-the ever elusive chocolate Skinny Cow has been spotted at Poplar Bluff Kroger's.

Sadly,the package was 1/2 vanilla & 1/2chocolate, and between Yellow Rose and her friends,the 1st package did not see the Stoddard County line!

Thank goodness,the rest of the herd is safely lowing in the deep freeze,but those in the know doubt the herd will see sunrise on Sunday.

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Fri, Oct 5, 2007, at 8:59 AM

Wow! I missed this breaking information, though I don't know if I'd have driven all the way to P.B. - even for a chocolate Skinny Cow! And, yes, when I've seen them, they've been half choc and half vanilla. Sad, but true!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Oct 17, 2007, at 8:48 PM

We had to go to Lucy Lee(or whatever they call it this week) to visit a friend and their new baby.

I thought a town larger than Dexter would have the herd,so tah-dah!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Thu, Oct 18, 2007, at 7:39 AM

Ah, yes! On our sojourns around the state, we need to be ever vigilent to seek out Skinny Cows! GLOG! (Girls Looking Out for Girls!!) (New IM word, don'tchaknow?)

Who says we're old-fashioned, dude? We can IM with the best of 'em!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Oct 20, 2007, at 4:07 PM

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