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Resolutions from MinniePosted Wednesday, January 2, 2008, at 11:37 PM
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon
some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
The above was "borrowed" from Maxine, one of my most favorite characters in the universe. If you don't know Maxine, you're definitely in a minority. Look at the Hallmark section of cards next time you're out and you'll come to know and love Maxine. She's a feisty, mature lady of attitude who expresses herself adequately on cards, cups, t-shirts and anything else that Hallmark can sell with her logo. I believe I own a coffee cup that illustrates her stretched out on a lawn chair donning her big sun hat and bigger attitude, saying, "Finding a good man is like nailing Jell-O to a tree." Gotta love her.
Anyway, this being the beginning of a new year and all, I thought I'd pass on a few resolutions of which I'm quite sure Maxine herself would be proud…
1) Much like the Lenten practices of Catholicism, I'm going to give up something during 2008. I thought it should be something that I do each day to some degree; something that has become part of my daily life. SO, I'm giving up dieting.
2) I hereby resolve to get out and purchase a gun and shoot pellets into the rear of any and all canines that so much as sniff my trash cans on Tuesday mornings (or Monday evenings).
3) I will test drive a Dodge truck on a Saturday in February for the sole purpose of getting a free cheap digital camera.
4) I will somehow acquire the Cake Lady's recipe.
5) I will put to good use the Cake Lady's recipe.
6) I will thrust a brick of considerable weight into the monitor of a computer that does not react expediently to my commands.
7) I will pull into the drive-thru of McDonald's and order a steak, a baked potato and a dry martini…very dry and very Martini.
8) I will slap the McDonald's girl (or boy) behind the counter who automatically gives me the senior citizen discount.
9) I will not confuse Visine with nail glue (again).
10) I will not alter the temperature setting on my furnace to accommodate guests…it's my house and my thermostat and my hot flashes and I'll deal with the contributing factors accordingly.
11) I will appropriately label all cell phones and remote controls within my possession.
12) I will stop placing telemarketers on perpetual hold.
13) I will stop posing as an evangelist and demand those people in the Wal-Mart electric chairs to get up and walk (even though I know the exercise would help).
14) I will take more delight in the little things…a woman tripping in four inch stilettos, the ever-present smile upon the face of someone I advised not to have plastic surgery from someone who advertises online.
15) I will ignore the thorns and stop to smell the roses more often…I promise.
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