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Resolutions from Minnie

Posted Wednesday, January 2, 2008, at 11:37 PM

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon

some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

The above was "borrowed" from Maxine, one of my most favorite characters in the universe. If you don't know Maxine, you're definitely in a minority. Look at the Hallmark section of cards next time you're out and you'll come to know and love Maxine. She's a feisty, mature lady of attitude who expresses herself adequately on cards, cups, t-shirts and anything else that Hallmark can sell with her logo. I believe I own a coffee cup that illustrates her stretched out on a lawn chair donning her big sun hat and bigger attitude, saying, "Finding a good man is like nailing Jell-O to a tree." Gotta love her.

Anyway, this being the beginning of a new year and all, I thought I'd pass on a few resolutions of which I'm quite sure Maxine herself would be proud…

1) Much like the Lenten practices of Catholicism, I'm going to give up something during 2008. I thought it should be something that I do each day to some degree; something that has become part of my daily life. SO, I'm giving up dieting.

2) I hereby resolve to get out and purchase a gun and shoot pellets into the rear of any and all canines that so much as sniff my trash cans on Tuesday mornings (or Monday evenings).

3) I will test drive a Dodge truck on a Saturday in February for the sole purpose of getting a free cheap digital camera.

4) I will somehow acquire the Cake Lady's recipe.

5) I will put to good use the Cake Lady's recipe.

6) I will thrust a brick of considerable weight into the monitor of a computer that does not react expediently to my commands.

7) I will pull into the drive-thru of McDonald's and order a steak, a baked potato and a dry martini…very dry and very Martini.

8) I will slap the McDonald's girl (or boy) behind the counter who automatically gives me the senior citizen discount.

9) I will not confuse Visine with nail glue (again).

10) I will not alter the temperature setting on my furnace to accommodate guests…it's my house and my thermostat and my hot flashes and I'll deal with the contributing factors accordingly.

11) I will appropriately label all cell phones and remote controls within my possession.

12) I will stop placing telemarketers on perpetual hold.

13) I will stop posing as an evangelist and demand those people in the Wal-Mart electric chairs to get up and walk (even though I know the exercise would help).

14) I will take more delight in the little things…a woman tripping in four inch stilettos, the ever-present smile upon the face of someone I advised not to have plastic surgery from someone who advertises online.

15) I will ignore the thorns and stop to smell the roses more often…I promise.

Any others?


Comments
Showing comments in chronological order
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I will support legislation to repeal the move from analog to digital television.

I will continue my efforts to get a pager system for my TV remote and my glasses.

I will attempt to brainwash my mind into believing that hunger is a good feeling and salads rule the world.

I will volunteer for newborn "cuddle therapy" at a local hospital.

I will NOT volunteer for the clinical trials for a Viagra-for-women. (Yes, I'm watching the early-morning news...)

I will continue to read Minnie and Maxine for Great Wisdom of the Female Mind!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jan 3, 2008, at 7:06 AM

Maxine is my roll model. I love that girl.

I resolve to eat and sleep more. What's the use of making a resolution if you can't keep it? (appolgies to Maxine)

I will not let those bone-heads in traffic make me crabby. I'll speed up and cut them off.

I will not take an anger management class as recommended by my hairy-eyeballed boss - I'm angry enough at management without taking a class.

I will get on line and read Maxine every day at www.crabbyroad.com. I'm so glad I discovered that website.

I will order a pair of Maxine's pink bunny slippers and see if I can find an appropriate Maxine cup like my other role model - Minnie.

-- Posted by Ducky on Thu, Jan 3, 2008, at 4:45 PM

Guess what? I am one of those people in the Wal-mart carts. My vertebrae is closing in on my spinal cord. If I stand or walk for more than 2 minutes I am in severe pain. Yes I have added a few pounds because I can't move like I use to do. I would give anything to be able to "just get up and walk".

Plus I am going thru menopause too, so I would probably tell you in no uncertain terms where you could stick it.

-- Posted by Gemini on Sun, Jan 13, 2008, at 10:35 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Gemini...

You are certainly NOT one to whom I refer, believe me, and I apologize for any ill feelings the above may have caused. Your stated health issues are exactly what the devices were intended for. Unfortunately, we've all seen too many men and women knowingly in good health who abuse the intended purpose, sometimes leaving those for whom it WAS intended to suffer as a result. Again, so sorry to have offended you in the name of humor.

Minnie o'

I am sorry too, the only excuse I have is menopause...lol But people that have never been in a scooter or wheelchair have no idea how people treat you. I did not know either until I am the one in them. People will not look at you...if my husband is with me they will talk to him. At restaurants they will ask my husband what I want. believe me my mouth works just fine.

It hurts when strangers do it but it is worse when it is someone you know but haven't seen in awhile. after the shock wears off they can't seem to get away fast enough. It is like they are afraid they will catch it.

When you see somone in a chair, scooter, or using a cane,look into their eyes and smile.That is an acknowlment that they are still a viable human being.

If you see they need help...ask if they need help. Some will say no they can do it, then some (like me) is very grateful for any help.

So please just put yourself in that chair and how you would like to be treated.

-- Posted by Gemini on Tue, Jan 15, 2008, at 1:17 AM

Gee, Minnie your last blog got me to thinking about things I want to change in the new year.

1.I will no longer go to a MExican Restaurant and ask them to play "Freddy Fender".

2. I will no longer settle for a V8 when I want tomato Juice.

3.I will no longer drink decaf coffee, if I dont want caffeine, I will get a glass of water.

4.I will no longer listen to anyone talk about Oprah"s diet plans.

5.I think I will throw out all the old hairspray cans, as not to get them confused with spary deodorant. (Again)

-- Posted by Guido Sarducci on Wed, Jan 16, 2008, at 7:13 AM

Yay! Guido fly by!!!

Keep on keepin' on, Minnie Dear, bless your little over-worked and underpaid heart!!!

When is your hairy eye-balled boss gonna unchain you from your desk??????

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jan 16, 2008, at 7:12 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
Never, apparently....the assignments just keep rolling in...I keep holding out waiting for the dough to roll alongside of it...not happened yet. I'll keep you "post" ed.


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