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It's no "journey"

Posted Thursday, May 8, 2008, at 10:58 PM

The other day I heard, from one of those "soft talk show" hostesses (the kind with the soupy sweet kind of voice that you want to scare from behind with a dead mouse in her peripheral vision) on one of those channels that one just kind of skips across while on the way to find something worthwhile on TV, say that menopause is like a "journey"…like a vacation of sorts…with stops along the way to visit and take in new sites…YEAH, RIGHT….more like a trip to hell, I'm thinking.

If this is a journey, it has its potholes, not "stops"….detours, perhaps, like ending up in Detroit when you were headed for Palm Beach. Now that's a detour, not a journey. And the new "sites" are far from scenic. I'd give up the site of a two-inch long hair coming out of my chin for the site of a beach front condo any day of the week!

But, on second thought, who needs an ocean view condo? I wake up in my own personal pool of water several times a night. I'm thinking of throwing a handful of sand on the sheets and calling it Ft. Lauderdale.

And for this "journey," the way-too-sweet bimbo on the channel along the way to a real station, failed to remind us to take along some bifocals….even if you've never needed them before in your life…you'll need them on this "journey." That would be because you'll go half-blind in the process of completing your trip. Better plan on several prescriptions, because it changes daily, like your sheets.

And I didn't hear any mention from the all-too-perky (hate those kind), to take along on this "journey" some Ginko or some other aide to assist with the memory process, because the weary traveler should be forewarned that by the time they reach the half-way mark through their "journey," they will not have the ability to recall from whence they began or from where. They will come to realize that memory is a lost art…something that we once took so much for granted. I recall the ole' days of my "pre-journey," when I could enter a grocery store and actually recall what I was there to purchase. Those days have been replaced by days of piling 32 items on the counter where only 20 are allowed and realizing upon arriving home that I have everything except what I went to purchase. Oh well, those Skinny Cows were calling my name…I heard it right through the freezer case.

And I really did need sandpaper for those shelves that I'm going to refinish tomorrow or next winter, or whenever. Of course, by the time I get to the project, I'll have no clue where I put that sandpaper.

I believe menopausal women keep Wal-Mart in business. That silly greeter sees us coming and sends a signal to the powers that be, saying, "OK, here comes another meno…direct her to any aisle in the store and she'll find something she thinks she needs..just don't ask her what she came here for today."

I think that Wal-Mart also has subliminal messages directed to menopausal women that send them to the "health/beauty" aisle (do those two really need to be together?). Menopausal women are always on a mission to find a miracle-working wonder cream or lotion that will eliminate the wrinkles, restore the youthful appearance, and prevent the aging process. If the label says, "ageless" or "youthful" or "erase" or "prevent" or "restore" or "defying," it's SOLD! It simply finds flight into our carts.

Well….Minnie is done expounding. Next time you're running through the stations on your way to find something worthwhile…don't stop at the soft-spoken woman who either has never been there or pretends to have taken a bypass. She's lying. I know.

Minnie o'

PS…I've missed ya'll.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

We've missed you, too, Minnie, bless your over-worked and under-paid heart!! These blogs CAN be therapeutic, but not when you don't have time to do them. Then, it's just another pressure.

I went on that awful Meno Journey about 15 years ago, and - to make matters darned near intolerable - I had to take a class of hyperactive junior high students on the trip with me.

I thought I'd go mad.

If women are lucky (which I wasn't), they have bosses who are understanding and co-operative - instead of ones who keep piling on the pressure with impossibly difficult situations, designed to make their own lives more comfortable.

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, May 9, 2008, at 7:28 AM

Dear Minnie - welcome back! We have all missed your wit and wisdom.

Could have sworn it was just yesterday that I've posted...but just discovered that my computer keys are dusty. Hmm...wonder what I've been typing on...must get those bifocals checked again.

Minnie, we must have been channel surfing at the same time...I came across the most wonderful program just the other day...the lovely lady says you just have your body wrapped in "special" sheets of plastic-like fabric, dipped in heaven knows what, you are then marinated for some undisclosed period of time, and you are suddenly transformed into a wrinkle-free, slender beauty! The disclaimer, however, states that you must repeat every few months.

This does leave me wondering if perhaps your skin just pops like a balloon after the specified period and you turn back into your previous state of beautyhood at the end of say, three months, or if it just creeps up on you like saggy skin tends to do.

Perhaps I should just test it on my "arm wings" for a start.

Tell me, dear Minnie, do you think I should consider it or should I save my money for more Ginko?

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, May 10, 2008, at 12:34 PM

Oh my. I went through a surgical menopause when I was about 35. My doctor left me off replacement hormones for a month to let a severe case of endomitriosis dry up. He said during that month to watch out for the symptoms of menopause. When I said I didn't know what they were, he said, "you will." Truer words were never spoken.

The onset was VERY abrupt. I thought I was going crazy. If it hadn't been for my family I could have sold my furnace at a garage sale. Heck, I could have BEEN a furnace. Clean sheets and nightclothes several times a night. Weird dreams!

God Bless Hormone Replacement Therapy. It saved me for a while. I fought like a tiger 10 years later when my doctor wanted to take me off them. My trusty neighborhood health food store came to the rescue. They pointed out that something called "black cohosh" (an herb) had good effects for some women. I bought a product called (appropriately) "HOT FLASH." Eureka. It helped enough to save the lives of my co-workers.

Those years are behind me - for which I will forever be grateful. Now if I could just keep my skin from looking like crepe paper. Any ideas?

-- Posted by Ducky on Sat, May 10, 2008, at 8:25 PM

My dear cake, anything that sounds that good must be a scam.

The Ginko won't make us look any better, it'll just help us remember what we used to look like. That, too, is a formula for disaster, as we spend all our hard-earned cash in a vain attempt to recapture our lost youth.

I think the trick is to buy outlandishly gaudy clothes and wild jewelry in order to cause a diversion. They'll never notice our fat, when it's disguised under big lime green hats and floral capri pants. Add some of those beaded flip flops, and we're set to go!

Don't forget the brilliantly-colored, oversize purse, which will serve the dual purpose of distraction and weapon (in the event of a disparaging remark...).

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, May 10, 2008, at 8:36 PM

Ducky, dear, we posted at almost the same time. However, I believe the gaudy apparel will work admirably for the crepe paper skin---supplemented, of course, with about $150 worth of Avon cremes each month.

And, ladies, lest you scoff at the many face cremes on the market, compare your own skin to a MAN your age. I think you will find that our age-defying potions DO have a rejuvenating effect. I estimate an average 10 year age difference in appearance, my dears!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, May 10, 2008, at 8:42 PM

GL, how else do you think I manage to stay forever 39??? I get Christmas cards from Avon.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, May 12, 2008, at 10:56 PM

Viva la Avon! Viva la Mary Kay! Viva la Clinique!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, May 13, 2008, at 9:58 PM

And Viva, my dears, to good old common sense...here's to more of it! In the meantime, anything that reads, "Age-defying" is in my cart! I don't care if it cost my monthly retirement check...slap a promise on the label and it's mine!

-- Posted by bringwine on Tue, May 13, 2008, at 11:26 PM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
At this age of mine (and of several others, I gather)...a lick and a promise (not necessarily in that order)...are all that we need to buy into a potential "cure" for what we all are enduring or have endured. It's funny and peculiar, this road that we are upon. There is certainly no mention of it on the nightly news, yet it appears to be daily traveled and minute-by-minute-encountered. It is, I have surmised, much like the bad meal at an often-frequented "greasy spoon"....you have to go there for lack of an option, but we just tolerate it as we must.

So, too, do we tolerate the mood swings, the night sweats, the urge to tell everyone within earshot to go to ....well....we've all been raised to know better than to voice our sentiments in that realm...

the good news is that this too, shall pass. It DOES get better and with knowledge, comes wisdom. Stay tuned.

minnie o'

Ya know girls...I commented heavily on Sacha's blog about suicide. I wonder, can the symptoms of suicide be so bad that it can drive you to that point if you're already an unsettled person? I remember my mom speaking of some stuff she was experiencing that sounded an awful lot like "the journey." Just some food for thought.

-- Posted by mrsdolphin on Wed, May 14, 2008, at 7:32 AM

Oh, oh, oh!! Mrsdolphin, you may be on to something there! Where are our resident psychiatrists when we need them?!

For a woman who is a little unstable to begin with - especially, perhaps, one who doesn't have a good support system (including fellow bloggers to confide in), the pressures of menopause might just push her over the edge!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, May 14, 2008, at 9:07 AM

Oh yeah! The symptoms of menopause were very unsettling. I thought I was losing my mind at times and my skin at others. I can see how it could be a contributing factor in pushing a depressed woman over the edge. I never contemplated suicide during that time. Now murder,.......

About that same time period I tried to quit drinking caffine (in the form of Diet Cokes) cold turkey. About 4 days into the process the guys in my office staged an intervention. They bought a Diet Coke, held me in a corner and said "DRINK THIS. IMMEDIATELY." Guess the two issues at the same time were too much for them. I never did quit caffine (as I sit here sucking on a Diet Coke).

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, May 14, 2008, at 12:25 PM

That's one of those things I've thought about a bit. She was worried about an upcoming, not very promising surgery, and she was going through "the change." So...it was just something I wondered. I've heard that menopause is an unsettling, almost psychotic thing to deal with. And Ducky, thank you. Your "now murder..." comment made me laugh SO hard! I haven't needed menopause to think that...just pregnancy!

-- Posted by mrsdolphin on Thu, May 15, 2008, at 6:04 PM

I can definitely relate to the "Now, murder..." comment from Ducky! That's the way I felt.

As for her reference to losing her mind and her SKIN, that's a good point, too. I remember wishing I could get OUT of my skin. It didn't seem to FIT anymore - it was uncomfortable - it itched, it cramped, it squeaked, it prodded and poked.

Reminded me of that "Men in Black" creature who took over a guy's body and went staggering around, looking for that little crystal world...

On a totally different topic, we're gonna be in sad shape when Sacha leaves, and we have only 4 bloggers on this site. Does anyone have any ideas?

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, May 16, 2008, at 7:28 AM

Well GL, if Yellowrose would blog as MD has recommended, we'd be ok. I think I MIGHT be good for it...but I just don't think, once I got it going, it would be very popular or interesting. Lord knows I need the job...does it even pay anything? I enjoy blogging. I blog on other sites...but my stuff is personal...I mean like REALLY personal. Could I come up with topics? What category could I even fall in?

You're right GL...what will we do?

-- Posted by mrsdolphin on Fri, May 16, 2008, at 10:07 AM

Hahaha! Can't you see a Yellow Rose blog??

I don't know, but I hope something comes up soon... There are a lot of people whose names we don't see on the blogs anymore. It was goin' great guns there for awhile. Were you reading it, mrsd, when the guys stayed up all night, arguing politics?? It was great! I could hardly wait to get up in the morning and see what had happened overnight!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, May 17, 2008, at 1:48 PM

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