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Saturday, July 26, 2014

She's baaaaaaaaack!

Posted Tuesday, December 2, 2008, at 9:42 PM

Some of you may not have been aware of the reason for Minnie's absence over the past few weeks....ok, months. Well, if you'd been paying attention to the media, and who hasn't, you would have seen that Miss Minnie herself was vying for the top spot in the nation. Yes, there I was, right alongside Oblahma and McSame. Don't know how you could have missed me. I was the one with the orthopedic shoes and the clean shaven chin.

In spite of my best efforts, I seem to have come in a strong third, but as they say, "I wouldn't have missed the dance."

I stood for everything that any meno woman in this 21st century (or is it still the 20th? I have a difficult time with those 100s when they roll over...do you count the century prior or the on coming up the 100 year mark?)

As I was saying, my platform (and I don't mean heels), represented everything good and proper for the menos of today's society, and yet, through some fluke, probably involving a few hundred thousand chads dangling in suspense, I was deemed a loser...or rather not a winner. Any menopausal woman who can withstand the pressures of Tina Fey and Senator Biting deserves at least one vote of confidence.

Back to the platform....had a darn good one, I thought.

On the economy issue....I was for the economy pack of Charmin TP, as long as it was the double-ply variety. I found on the campaign trail that most agreed. I also voiced that I found it most economical to purchase a 2 ltr. box of wine, as opposed to the $6-8 bottle of Zinfandel. Duh! Never ceases to amaze me what people out there don't know.

I also stood for the 'Buy One, Get One Half-Off' shoe sale at Macy's. What kind of prez would I be if I could not advise the public on the art of shoe purchases?

On the issue of education, I came out strong. I was all for educating men on their shortcomings when dealing with the female sect. I vowed to hold semi-anual seminars, teaching the male element the importance of leaving the toilet seat down after use, and the art of riding in the back seat and acting as if they have duct tape sealing their mouth shut in heavy traffic. Other topics of interest would include, "Shopping with a woman....find a bench at the mall and plant yourself until such time as I tell you that I'm ready to go," and "If I'm screaming, listen. If I'm ignoring you, go away." How did I ever lose with a platform like that? Go figure.

On the issue of healthcare, I shined. I told my constituents...If you have a medical problem and you want it taken care of immediately at minimal charge, you just need to drive to your physician's office, bust through the door and announce, "Yes, I'm here to see Dr. (fill in the appropriate name). He told me not to come back till the sores started oozing green ...so, here I am!" Watch 'em scatter. Before you know it, you've earned a quick trip to the stirrup table.

When it came to foreign relations, I had a good handle on things. I told the throngs, "If you have an affair with an Englishman, learn to like hot tea and Prince Charles," and for those who preferred the Latino flavor on things, I advised, "Learn all the words to 'Ave Maria.' It'll pay off some day."

On the subject of war, I told 'em ..."Never go to bed mad." I recall being told that by a very wise friend before the ex decided to go to bed happy with someone else. So, okay, forget that piece of advice. Go ahead and go to bed mad. Get up mad. Works for me.

Social Security....Hmmmmm. OK. Those of use who have paid into the program all of our working lives...we deserve back everything that we paid in, plus interest, BIG interest. Those who draw a monthly check for being too lazy to work, I say stick 'em at a toll booth collecting coins. Who can't do that? Force them to do something that makes them buy an alarm clock. It's good for the soul.

I say stop giving our money to people who are conducting surveys to see how many bugs a monkey plucks off a companion's back in a day's time and how long it takes a grub worm to .....well, whatever.

And yet, with all of these theories intact, somehow I lost the popular vote. Just can't figure it out. Certainly that Palin-schmalin' woman with the glasses and the Eskimo attitude and the French twist didn't win favor over Minnie. Hmmmm..... apparently that little figure of a woman who exercises fourteen hours a day won over some constituents. Just wait till 50 hits our Sarah Bear-ah. Those trendy glasses will turn to Coke bottle bifocals and those cute waist-cut jackets will turn into hip-length Neru jobs. Wait and see. Russia will look a lot further way through a pair of transition trifocals.

On gun control, I had all the answers. The NRA backed me to the hilt. I had a slogan, "A sidearm a day keeps the burglars at bay." Works for me.

I even had a hunky running mate. I figured if Todd Palin could win a dog race, he could win one with Minnie…..Hmmmmm, that didn't come out quite as I intended. He readily agreed to join Minnie on the campaign trail and all seemed well until that Tina Fey look-alike kept passing us on our road to victory.

I had my Cabinet all selected too. Madeline was to be at the helm. She's honest, she's loyal, she survived Alaska AND a teaching career and she knows goats. And she's a good dancer. Important stuff. Cake Lady was to be my Secretary of State. Certainly with her special cake recipe, she could have ousted the likes of Hillary,no matter what shade of pant suit she was wearing.

Finally, a view on terrorist activity. It's only common sense at work here....send in a troop of menopausal women at the height of a hot flash. Watch the enemy scatter with their tails tucked. Works at home and on the battlefield (which is sometimes one in the same).

And yet, in spite of all my Minnie wisdom, I was defeated. All is not lost, however. Rumor has it that Minnie O' is in contention for a spot as Goodwill Ambassador to the Cayman Islands. SO, if you don't hear from me in the immediate future….well, you know. In the meantime, I'm busy packing my Polygrip and corn pads just in case.

Minnie o'


Comments
Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

I don't understand why you're not the pres-elect. Didn't get enough media coverage----can you see Sikeston from your back door??? Perhaps that was your downfall.

-- Posted by changedname on Wed, Dec 3, 2008, at 6:24 AM

This is great stuff Minnie.... ever thought about saving all your memoirs for a book?

-- Posted by greer958 on Wed, Dec 3, 2008, at 4:23 PM

Did you wait too late to campaign, or are you just starting early for 2012? You seem to have all bases covered. I'd bet you can see CAIRO from your back door! If you can't, be the first one to stretch the truth for 2012. Good luck!

-- Posted by GONENOW on Wed, Dec 3, 2008, at 7:54 PM

Welcome back, Minnie, for however long you're here, before you take your post as Ambassador to the Cayman Islands! As for your loss, be thankful that you don't have to go back to an Alaskan igloo like SOMEONE we know!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Dec 3, 2008, at 9:43 PM

Minnie...It is with deep regret that I have come to realize that the campaign has come to an abrupt halt.

As I watch clips of Ms. Pant Suit accepting the Secretary of State position, I picture her with heads of state...sipping tea and munching on little pastries...you and I both know what delicacies OUR Cabinet would hold for...let's say... "unfriendly" nations.

Sadly, I fear our Cabinet may never materialize, but it is with heartfelt gratitude that I tip my glass with a toast to you from my very own fine vintage box.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Thu, Dec 4, 2008, at 1:05 AM

Let's do hope that Ms. Pant Suit doesn't forget herself and look deep into the eyes of that that rascal Russian, Alexander Putin! He quite obviously hypnotized our current president, who said that he saw all the way into his "soul"!

Cake Lady would be much better "suited" for a delicate assignment like that! She could serve Mr. Putin some of her "special cake," and our issues with Russia would be solved!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Dec 4, 2008, at 11:59 AM

gl,,,, you go girl!!!!!!

-- Posted by changedname on Thu, Dec 4, 2008, at 4:03 PM

Minnie-if indeed this is our beloved leader and not some cruel Daily Statesman hoax-please explain why you were "missing" during the same time Cloris Leachman appeared on "Dancing With The Stars",and why the two of you have never been seen OR photographed together? Hmmm..."Cloris" is obviously our Minnie,with those hot-chi-Mama moves and quippy one-liners.The real Cloris is no doubt frail, probably living in an upscale "assisted living center" for retired thespians, with Bob Newhart as a frequent visitor (He forgets he just there).

It's fishy you reappeared after DWTS season ended.

Minnie would KNOW she had a shot at being an ambassador,she of many special talents she is too modest to post.

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Thu, Dec 4, 2008, at 5:42 PM

Ah, Yellow Rose, you do have a suspicious mind! Our many-talented Minnie does have some questions to answer!

Will she, won't she? Does she, don't she? Won't she join the dance?

She disappeared in September. Does that fit the right time frame?

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Dec 4, 2008, at 9:35 PM

Wait a minute, girls! If Cloris Leachman was on "Dancing with the Stars" (which I don't get on my two TV channels), then who was that woman on Ophra yesterday with the Mary Tyler Moore crowd?? She looked about 80! Surely, she couldn't do back bends, like I heard she did!

What gives????

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Dec 9, 2008, at 8:11 AM

Cloris is in her 80's.That ham on Oprah was the real Cloris.

I have a hard time reconciling that flexible woman on DWTS was anyone other than our "bendy Minnie",bringing sexy back for seniors!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Wed, Dec 10, 2008, at 2:28 AM

Well, I wish my antiquated television-viewing experience could have allowed me to watch the aforementioned dance contest!

By the way, YR, what ON EARTH are you doing up at 2:28 AM?? You haven't moved into a different time zone, have you??

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Dec 10, 2008, at 8:10 AM

HaHa GL, I was finishing up some mandatory paperwork,that I fell asleep doing earlier in the evening.Normally, I am asleep at that time!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Fri, Dec 12, 2008, at 3:08 PM

Well, thank goodness! I was beginning to worry about ya, girl!

It looks as if Minnie's blog is in a bog! We need to revive it! We can't let such a hopeful contribution to our nightly/daily entertainment fall flat!

What about the weather???????? I'm home right now, but I need to leave the house in about 20 minutes. The weather reports vary WIDELY from one source to another!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Dec 15, 2008, at 5:01 PM


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