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She's baaaaaaaaack!Posted Tuesday, December 2, 2008, at 9:42 PM
Some of you may not have been aware of the reason for Minnie's absence over the past few weeks....ok, months. Well, if you'd been paying attention to the media, and who hasn't, you would have seen that Miss Minnie herself was vying for the top spot in the nation. Yes, there I was, right alongside Oblahma and McSame. Don't know how you could have missed me. I was the one with the orthopedic shoes and the clean shaven chin.
In spite of my best efforts, I seem to have come in a strong third, but as they say, "I wouldn't have missed the dance."
I stood for everything that any meno woman in this 21st century (or is it still the 20th? I have a difficult time with those 100s when they roll over...do you count the century prior or the on coming up the 100 year mark?)
As I was saying, my platform (and I don't mean heels), represented everything good and proper for the menos of today's society, and yet, through some fluke, probably involving a few hundred thousand chads dangling in suspense, I was deemed a loser...or rather not a winner. Any menopausal woman who can withstand the pressures of Tina Fey and Senator Biting deserves at least one vote of confidence.
Back to the platform....had a darn good one, I thought.
On the economy issue....I was for the economy pack of Charmin TP, as long as it was the double-ply variety. I found on the campaign trail that most agreed. I also voiced that I found it most economical to purchase a 2 ltr. box of wine, as opposed to the $6-8 bottle of Zinfandel. Duh! Never ceases to amaze me what people out there don't know.
I also stood for the 'Buy One, Get One Half-Off' shoe sale at Macy's. What kind of prez would I be if I could not advise the public on the art of shoe purchases?
On the issue of education, I came out strong. I was all for educating men on their shortcomings when dealing with the female sect. I vowed to hold semi-anual seminars, teaching the male element the importance of leaving the toilet seat down after use, and the art of riding in the back seat and acting as if they have duct tape sealing their mouth shut in heavy traffic. Other topics of interest would include, "Shopping with a woman....find a bench at the mall and plant yourself until such time as I tell you that I'm ready to go," and "If I'm screaming, listen. If I'm ignoring you, go away." How did I ever lose with a platform like that? Go figure.
On the issue of healthcare, I shined. I told my constituents...If you have a medical problem and you want it taken care of immediately at minimal charge, you just need to drive to your physician's office, bust through the door and announce, "Yes, I'm here to see Dr. (fill in the appropriate name). He told me not to come back till the sores started oozing green ...so, here I am!" Watch 'em scatter. Before you know it, you've earned a quick trip to the stirrup table.
When it came to foreign relations, I had a good handle on things. I told the throngs, "If you have an affair with an Englishman, learn to like hot tea and Prince Charles," and for those who preferred the Latino flavor on things, I advised, "Learn all the words to 'Ave Maria.' It'll pay off some day."
On the subject of war, I told 'em ..."Never go to bed mad." I recall being told that by a very wise friend before the ex decided to go to bed happy with someone else. So, okay, forget that piece of advice. Go ahead and go to bed mad. Get up mad. Works for me.
Social Security....Hmmmmm. OK. Those of use who have paid into the program all of our working lives...we deserve back everything that we paid in, plus interest, BIG interest. Those who draw a monthly check for being too lazy to work, I say stick 'em at a toll booth collecting coins. Who can't do that? Force them to do something that makes them buy an alarm clock. It's good for the soul.
I say stop giving our money to people who are conducting surveys to see how many bugs a monkey plucks off a companion's back in a day's time and how long it takes a grub worm to .....well, whatever.
And yet, with all of these theories intact, somehow I lost the popular vote. Just can't figure it out. Certainly that Palin-schmalin' woman with the glasses and the Eskimo attitude and the French twist didn't win favor over Minnie. Hmmmm..... apparently that little figure of a woman who exercises fourteen hours a day won over some constituents. Just wait till 50 hits our Sarah Bear-ah. Those trendy glasses will turn to Coke bottle bifocals and those cute waist-cut jackets will turn into hip-length Neru jobs. Wait and see. Russia will look a lot further way through a pair of transition trifocals.
On gun control, I had all the answers. The NRA backed me to the hilt. I had a slogan, "A sidearm a day keeps the burglars at bay." Works for me.
I even had a hunky running mate. I figured if Todd Palin could win a dog race, he could win one with Minnie…..Hmmmmm, that didn't come out quite as I intended. He readily agreed to join Minnie on the campaign trail and all seemed well until that Tina Fey look-alike kept passing us on our road to victory.
I had my Cabinet all selected too. Madeline was to be at the helm. She's honest, she's loyal, she survived Alaska AND a teaching career and she knows goats. And she's a good dancer. Important stuff. Cake Lady was to be my Secretary of State. Certainly with her special cake recipe, she could have ousted the likes of Hillary,no matter what shade of pant suit she was wearing.
Finally, a view on terrorist activity. It's only common sense at work here....send in a troop of menopausal women at the height of a hot flash. Watch the enemy scatter with their tails tucked. Works at home and on the battlefield (which is sometimes one in the same).
And yet, in spite of all my Minnie wisdom, I was defeated. All is not lost, however. Rumor has it that Minnie O' is in contention for a spot as Goodwill Ambassador to the Cayman Islands. SO, if you don't hear from me in the immediate future….well, you know. In the meantime, I'm busy packing my Polygrip and corn pads just in case.
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