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The former Daily Statesman is now The Dexter Statesman and currently does not have an operating website.

If they'd only asked...

Posted Monday, October 26, 2009, at 4:17 PM

I've been witness to a lot of strange things over the past 50 something years...teenagers with blue hair and purple fingernails, jeans that are worn around the calves instead of the waist, GPS systems in vehicles with voices that warn you when you get off track (it's almost like having the kids back home and mouthing at me from a seat on the dashboard), handheld devices that can tell me about anything from anxiety to zedonks...but I don't believe I've ever been witness to anything so obviously strange as all this stimulus money that's been thrown around over the past year.

If the present administration, in all their wisdom, would have just consulted with Minnie, I could have told them in a heartbeat where to divert funds to in order to truly make an impact on the national economy. It's such a simple plan, really, they'll no doubt be red in the face at reading this and wonder for the rest of their days how they missed a prime opportunity.

Here's the plan...simply issue a check for every woman over 50 who would like to be lifted, lowered, liposuctioned, tucked or trimmed, siliconed or implanted, augmented or aligned.

Give them each about $50,000. I bet it still wouldn't come close to what's been given to the automotive industry to bail them out.

THEN....watch what happens. Anyone with a lick of sense knows when a woman feels good about herself (which they all would once the swelling goes down and the pain diminishes), she wants to LOOK as good as she FEELS. And how does she go about felling good? By shopping, of course!

Within three months post-surgeries, I guarantee the stores will be full of shoppers. They'll be purchasing everything from shoes to shotguns (yep, they look so good in cammo now, they want to go deer hunting).

Clothes.....no problem! Department store employees will have a time keeping the shelves restocked as we get behind the wheel of our new ragtops and take to the highways to America's malls. And to get on those highways, we need FUEL...another industry saved by implementing such a simple plan.

This option would be good for all women when they reach the "age of reason"...around 50 something. So, you see it would be a continuing program to eventually benefit every woman in the country.

I guarantee you this old body is much more in need of repair than any bridge in the county. Forget funding highway improvements too.. I've got some 48-year-old stretchmarks that look like a massive interchange leading to nowhere that are in much greater need of "restructuring" than any of those concrete monsters. Rejuvenate on the homefront first, I say.

AND, when we look good AND feel good, we ARE good! Everyone's happy...friends, enemies (cause they got a "lift" out of the deal too), children and grandchildren...it's all part of the "trickle down" theory, you see. Reagan was right!

Down with programs like Cash for Clunkers. Up with Lipo and Lifts for Ladies!

It's such a simple solution...HELLLLLOOOOOOOOO... if they'd only asked.

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I wholeheartedly agree with you, Minnie! What has come over us baby boomers? I know...we hit 50 something and suddenly we realize we have ONE MORE chance! I'm a chicken for pain but willing to try Lumineers! If Obama wants to send me the $800 per tooth, I'll call for my appointment!

I'm very patriotic!

-- Posted by lovebooks on Tue, Nov 10, 2009, at 10:11 PM

I'm not surprised, Dexterite. Puxico is known for their goatburgers. They have them every year at their homecoming celebrations.

Several years ago I tried to buy some goats from a local man, and he told me he was saving all 75 for consignment to the Puxico goatburger business.

It's a big deal over there.

The reason you don't understand Miss Minnie, Dexter, is that she's a WOMAN! Haha! We girls understand completely! But thanks for peeking in and appreciating her always-good humor!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Nov 8, 2009, at 7:33 AM

And one more thing goat lady, if you 'google' Puxico, Mo the first thing that pops up is 'goatburgers'. Honestly, I did not make this up!!!!

-- Posted by Dexterite1 on Sat, Nov 7, 2009, at 6:48 AM

Even I enjoy Minnie's column even though most of the time I have no idea what she's talking about. Just enjoyable (no politics) involved. What a wonderful experience.

-- Posted by Dexterite1 on Sat, Nov 7, 2009, at 6:46 AM

Oh, oh, the gang's all here! (almost) How I have missed you all during your hiatus! The world has been a little more unkind since you left. I had no idea you were doing your part to support our economy! Plastic surgeons have to live, too, ya know!

Keep up the good work, ladies - and always remember Minnie's recipes for staying young! That Plaster of Paris idea works great in a pinch!

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Nov 6, 2009, at 9:55 PM

Minnie - you've returned!!! And how timely! Why, the cake lady has, too, been on a hiatus of sorts. Our menopausal minds must have been on the very same track, because I have been under the knife and had a few "procedures" in my absence - all in the name of helping the national economy. Before my dear husband's demise, he urged me to be kind to myself and find someone who would make me happy. In his honor, I found the nicest plastic surgeon who did his best to cheer me up. My dear husband would be so proud of me. I can almost position my mouth in a smile when I think of him...

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Fri, Nov 6, 2009, at 4:55 PM
Minnie O'Pausal's response:
Just in the "nip and tuck" of time! Welcome back, oh wise one. So glad to hear that the economy, with our help, will soon be back on track. And so glad that you abided by your late (bless him) husband's final wishes. Not to worry about that smile, dear. We can still laugh on the inside. Good cheer, dearie.

Minnie o'

We do love it when our own Guru of Common Sense returns to the Statesman! Oprah and Maxine got nuthin' on you, Minnie!!

Now if those Men in High Places would just LISTEN!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Oct 27, 2009, at 8:52 AM

Minnie dear, you make more sense than any of those boobs in Washington. You should be the stimulus czar. Czar Minnie!

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Oct 27, 2009, at 3:09 AM

Oh my goodness! This is GREAT!

-- Posted by fun2teach on Mon, Oct 26, 2009, at 9:00 PM

You would have a lot of rich doctors and grumpy old men who were left behind with a sagging behind!!!!!!!

-- Posted by Dexterite1 on Mon, Oct 26, 2009, at 7:22 PM

Oh, yeah! You know the old saying -- If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Oct 26, 2009, at 6:14 PM

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