Beauty aids gone awry

Posted Saturday, July 21, 2007, at 10:15 AM

If you have ever used Neosporin to help heal a wound, you know its powers. Like magic, it closes up little cuts and scrapes and heals them miraculously. SO....I had to wonder. If it works to close up cuts and scrapes, why not wrinkles? What is so different about that concept that one couldn't simply apply an amble dose of Neosporin all around one's mouth and under the eyes (the problem areas) at night and wake up to the face of a 20 year old?

Now, before everyone raids the shelves of your local pharmacy (say hi to cakelady while you're there)...no need. It doesn't work. I tried. I had visions of awakening to my old (new) self, but it was not to be. I already had the market cornered and everything. I was going to call it "New-us-born." Not to be. Back to the lab.

Comments

View 24 comments

Note: The nature of the Internet makes it impractical for our staff to review every comment. Please note that those who post comments on dexterstatesman.com may do so using a screen name, which may or may not reflect a website user's actual name. Readers should be careful not to assign comments to real people who may have names similar to screen names. Refrain from obscenity in your comments, and to keep discussions civil, don't say anything in a way your grandmother would be ashamed to read.

Hahahahaaha!! I had the same idea with the A & D Ointment that I used to use on my children's diaper rashes!

I think we needed to start our "miracle cure" about 40 years ago, BEFORE we got the wrinkles!!

Prevention is the key, ladies! Maybe the Neosporin and A & D Ointment will prevent the wrinkles we'll have when we're 102!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Jul 21, 2007, at 10:53 AM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
NOW, there's a thought. Perhaps we should lather ourselves with A&D, W-D 40 and Neo every night in an attempt to be prepared for that age of 102! But our only hope in doing so would be to attract a youngster of 87! Is that truly justified? The 87 year olds will probably be busy trying to attract a 65 year liposuction recipient. Girls, we just can't win, try as we might.
Oh Minnie-clone...you are so creative. I stayed up half the night searching for my Neosporin...couldn't find any so settled for the next best thing - WD-40. Slathered some on and went to bed. My limber body slid right out of bed this morning before my husband even noticed...though he's been a little groggy lately.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Jul 21, 2007, at 12:46 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
Oh, lady of cake...

You are SO resourceful...who knew? One would have thought that anything that guaranteed to "renew the old luster" to "tarnished" goods, such as we are, would have produced! We ought to just sue the socks off of them for false advertising.

Now, on to that "groggy" spouse of yours..perhaps you should visit the pharmacy and request an anecdote.
I don't think a funny story will help her husband much, after she's fed him her "special pharmacutical...pharmacewtical..pharmacetical...oh, heck, her drug store recipe"! I believe it might be laced with juice of oleander... (That doesn't even look right!)

Another symptom of my mental decline: I can't spell anymore!!

Well, now, girls, I haven't tried the ole W-40! If it doesn't get rid of my wrinkles, it might just attract me a young mechanic who might be so mesmerized by my heavenly aroma that he doesn't even notice my wrinkles!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Jul 21, 2007, at 4:04 PM
Hey girls the best way to keep those wrinkles away is to stay out of that sun, if you have to go out get a bonnett ,it keeps that face soft as a baby's you know what

-- Posted by bent nail on Sat, Jul 21, 2007, at 4:36 PM
You got it, bent nail, a good hat will keep you looking irresistable - and a dab of vanilla behind your ears will knock 'em dead.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Jul 21, 2007, at 8:35 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
Now, I had heard that your vanilla in a cake might knock 'em dead, but not wearing it behind your ear!
You guys are so funny and clever I can't keep up. All I can do is enjoy.

I don't know about the vanilla extract though. When they were litte, my brothers bought my sister some perfume for Christmas. They were very impressed - they EACH bought some. It stunk, so she didn't wear it until they asked her, with those sweet innocent faces, how come you're not wearing the great perfume we got you? The first time she wore it, some guy in her class said it smelled like someone was wearing Vanilla Extract! She was so mortified she never wore it again - just kept pouring a little bit down the drain so they'd think she was.

Now WD-40 - that fragrance may work on your auto mechanic. Maybe STP if your suspect is interested in racing. Doubt it'll work on the wrinkles.

You could try tying your hair back in a REAL tight ponytail.

-- Posted by Ducky on Sun, Jul 22, 2007, at 7:27 AM
Oh hey!! How about Preparation H mixed with Vicks Vaporub for those wrinkles???? It might not work, but it would take your mind off the wrinkles.

-- Posted by Ducky on Sun, Jul 22, 2007, at 7:29 AM
Well, girls, I see that you've been busy while I was napping! I believe we're close to a solution to our wrinkling problems.

The fantastic thing about all your homemade anti-wrinkle remedies is that we have them readily accessible, right in our cabinets! It's just a matter of time before we find the right one.

I heard that the original Mary Kay formula (the greasy pink creme) was based on cow bag balm!

And Ducky, girl, I knew that Preparation H would take the sting out of a mosquito bite but never thought to try it on wrinkles.

Your vanilla extract story sounded so similar to an experience I had that I thought I had posted it!

Bent nail, (you've gotta be a guy, right??) I've known some people whose face looked like a baby's behind, but I don't think it was necessarily a good thing......

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Jul 22, 2007, at 7:48 AM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
Vagisil works on mosquito bites. Now, think of its purpose, so of course it does. Just found a tube of spackle stuff that I believe I purchased for the grout on the tiles above the kitchen sink some time back, but upon close examination of the label, it says, "For repairing cracks and crevices." Well, now,I'm thinking,"That'd be me," so I'm off. I'll either be wrinkle-free or waterproof, or both, afterwhile.
Let us know how it works, Minnie! You have the true spirit of a pioneer! We are in awe of our fearless leader, aren't we, girls??

Just be careful that you don't turn your face into a copy of those stone faces on Easter Island!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Jul 23, 2007, at 7:18 AM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
OK, checking in to report on the results of spackle...

I am indeed, waterproof. I stood under the sprinkler at 3 a.m. (guess I could have used the shower, but I wanted to get as close to nature as possible and it wasn't raining) and the water ran off my face like water on a duck's back, as they say. As far as the wrinkles, they're GONE!! On the flip side, however, these crackly white lines have taken their place. My face looks like a road map to hell and back. I was careful to use the puddy knife, as suggested on the label, so I just can't figure where I went wrong with this. I went ahead and tried it on my turkey gobbler neck as well, and there are no white lines there...just a big white gobbler glob. Following further directions, I'm on my way to Wal-Mart to purchase some "Antique-white" (appropriately named) enamel paint. I understand that if I paint over the spackled areas, I'll will have a "smooth, shiny finish."
Kind of like the trendy tatooed-on eyeliner, but for your face, I figure. Worth a shot. Will report back later. Gotta go...my remote's ringing.
Oh, Minnie, I would never have thought about spackle. How clever. Maybe Silly Putty - oh I've dated myself now.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Jul 23, 2007, at 6:49 PM
Well, I've been going through the old stuff in my husband's workroom in the basement. How about Rust-oleum? It works wonders on rusty deck furniture.... Nothing more rusty than old broads like us.... Oops, did I use the word "broads"? I meant, "broad-minded ladies" like us!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Jul 23, 2007, at 7:05 PM
Ladies, ladies...everyone knows that spray starch is guaranteed to get the wrinkles out...that, followed by a layer of cream of tartar (which is a stabilizer, you know) should keep everything "on hold" for some time.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Mon, Jul 23, 2007, at 7:44 PM
These home remedies for wrinkles are just too great. Maybe we should get Minnie to write a "blog book"? Kind of like hints from Heloise. No, then she'd become independently wealthy and forget to blog.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Jul 23, 2007, at 8:16 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
Forget my constituents???...NEVER! You're my lifeline!

But, alas, I have found no relief in Spackle or enamel paint or WD-40 (thanks anyway, cake). Time to go back to the drawing board, but I fear I'm out of markers (again!)

Could it be that it is our lot in life to be creased, greased, and then deceased? Time will tell. In the meantime, there is just so much to enjoy!

I have given consideration to the idea of your aforementioned "blog book." I must decline the suggestion for this simple reason. Such an endeavor would require burning the midnight oil for some time in the future and if I do that, I will be, no doubt, mentally and physically exhausted, which I fear may cause even further progression of this "creasing" process that seems to be taking place upon my face, thereby requiring even more Spackle and I've just depleted my last tube. And, besides, I'm already committed to raking in the BIG BUCKS from this blog (would someone please make mention of this prospect to the publisher?)

ALSO, I checked on Phyllis Diller..she was 90 on the 17th of this month and doing well apparently. Still dresses flamboyantly, but I think she is more politically correct these days and has given up the cigarette holder. And yes, Fang was her real husband, who died many years ago, perhaps in the late 70's?

minnie o'
m.o.
Ah, Minnie O, your self-sacrifice is a true humanitarian model for the rest of us!

You and Phyllis Diller shall compete for the coveted Golden Cell Phone Award, given only to the most brilliant comedic minds of our Century.

We are forever in your debt for endless hours of frivolous fun on this great Blog of all Blogs!!!!

Please do not let that Big Publisher in the Sky lure you off into another Blogisphere -- no matter how many Big Bucks he offers you!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 9:22 PM
Here, here. I salute you, Minnie Dear. Your blog satisfies like no other. What a shame a popular blog truely won't get you more money from your publisher. If you think of a way we can help, just say the word.

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 9:27 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
The word.
Oh, come now, Ducky! Let's not be pessimistic! We shall demand more pay for Minnie! We shall mount a demonstration outside the Statesman office!

On second thought......Might not be a good idea....I think I've met her publisher...

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 9:57 PM
THE WORD???????? DID MINNIE SAY THE WORD???

All right, girls, let's get the signs ready! I'll meet you in front of the office at ........mmm...7:52 a.m. tomorrow morning!

I'll be wearing a red rose behind my right ear and an orange bolero. (What IS a bolero, anyway?? Well, I'm sure I can come up with something....I'll just have to figure out what part of my body it goes on...)

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 10:01 PM
You ladies should organize and form a union. You know, the Senior Citizens Local #4455 or something.

I am sooo glad I'm not a woman. (Are comments like that the reason we men-folk aren't welcome here?)

Regardless, I have to say I thoroughly enjoy reading what's going through your heads.

It's like a walking-talking Erma Bombeck book.

I'm going to go into hiding now before that Cake lady leaves a knot on my head, too.

-- Posted by CoreyN on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 10:23 PM
Man, Corey don't come over here and make them mad. They might throw me out of here too and that would ruin my education. I'm learning about veganism, cake baking and everything in between.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Tue, Jul 24, 2007, at 11:29 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
Not to worry, Truthbeknown...we'll shield you, while of course continuing your education in femalism.
THE WORD!!! I was so busy readying my sign that I posted on the wrong blog (see Memories). Now where is my rose????

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Wed, Jul 25, 2007, at 6:44 AM
Oh drat, I missed the opportunity to carry a protest sign again, and for such a good cause. That's what I get for doing stupid stuff like laundry instead of blogging until the wee hours. My co-workers probably appreciated it though. On second thought, they never appreciate anything. Ungrateful wretches.

Stick around Corey and Truthy. We don't mind giving you a liberal education while we have fun. Your input is always welcome - even if we ignore it.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Jul 25, 2007, at 8:09 PM
Oh, Corey, you're courting with disaster!! The trick is to lie low and read everything - then you can pop in for a low level fly-through and zap us into temporarily unconsciousness, before we figure out what hit us.

Unfortunately, you hovered in the air over our blog too long, and we got your license number.

I cannot be responsible for your safety beyond this point.

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 26, 2007, at 7:44 AM
And, Cake Lady, bless your senile old heart --- your spicey comments are welcome, no matter which blog you post them on, girlfriend!!! We can keep 'em straight.

Our minds are like steel traps......

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 26, 2007, at 7:51 AM

Minne O'Pausal's response:
Like steel traps...rusty, but can still be opened up once in awhile to enable us to latch onto something worthwhile.
m.o'
That's the tricky part about a trap. You never know when a sudden move will trigger the thing to snap!

And, what's a little rust among friends?? We'll just get out the trusty 'ole DW-40.

I carry a can in my purse....with my remote....

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Jul 27, 2007, at 6:17 AM

Respond to this blog

Posting a comment requires free registration:

If you already have an account, follow this link to login
Otherwise, follow this link to register