If they'd only asked...

I've been witness to a lot of strange things over the past 50 something years...teenagers with blue hair and purple fingernails, jeans that are worn around the calves instead of the waist, GPS systems in vehicles with voices that warn you when you get off track (it's almost like having the kids back home and mouthing at me from a seat on the dashboard), handheld devices that can tell me about anything from anxiety to zedonks...but I don't believe I've ever been witness to anything so obviously strange as all this stimulus money that's been thrown around over the past year.

If the present administration, in all their wisdom, would have just consulted with Minnie, I could have told them in a heartbeat where to divert funds to in order to truly make an impact on the national economy. It's such a simple plan, really, they'll no doubt be red in the face at reading this and wonder for the rest of their days how they missed a prime opportunity.

Here's the plan...simply issue a check for every woman over 50 who would like to be lifted, lowered, liposuctioned, tucked or trimmed, siliconed or implanted, augmented or aligned.

Give them each about $50,000. I bet it still wouldn't come close to what's been given to the automotive industry to bail them out.

THEN....watch what happens. Anyone with a lick of sense knows when a woman feels good about herself (which they all would once the swelling goes down and the pain diminishes), she wants to LOOK as good as she FEELS. And how does she go about felling good? By shopping, of course!

Within three months post-surgeries, I guarantee the stores will be full of shoppers. They'll be purchasing everything from shoes to shotguns (yep, they look so good in cammo now, they want to go deer hunting).

Clothes.....no problem! Department store employees will have a time keeping the shelves restocked as we get behind the wheel of our new ragtops and take to the highways to America's malls. And to get on those highways, we need FUEL...another industry saved by implementing such a simple plan.

This option would be good for all women when they reach the "age of reason"...around 50 something. So, you see it would be a continuing program to eventually benefit every woman in the country.

I guarantee you this old body is much more in need of repair than any bridge in the county. Forget funding highway improvements too.. I've got some 48-year-old stretchmarks that look like a massive interchange leading to nowhere that are in much greater need of "restructuring" than any of those concrete monsters. Rejuvenate on the homefront first, I say.

AND, when we look good AND feel good, we ARE good! Everyone's happy...friends, enemies (cause they got a "lift" out of the deal too), children and grandchildren...it's all part of the "trickle down" theory, you see. Reagan was right!

Down with programs like Cash for Clunkers. Up with Lipo and Lifts for Ladies!

It's such a simple solution...HELLLLLOOOOOOOOO... if they'd only asked.