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Friday, Dec. 19, 2014
Local women protest Minnie O'Pausal's imprisonmentPosted Friday, October 17, 2008, at 7:43 AM
An angry group of local supporters of the famous women's-rights activist, Minnie O'Pausal, gathers outside the Daily Statesman office to demand that she be released from an undisclosed location and allowed to post her popular anti-aging advice for women-in-need.
Faithful Statesman blogger and part-time nighttime cleaning lady, Minnie O'Pausal, a 92-year-old retired postal worker, has not been seen in over a week. Reports are circulating that the door to the tiny closet which she uses as an office is locked, and no one seems to have the key. However, repeated inquiries have gone unanswered, and it is thought that Minnie is, in fact, not there. Unverified reports are circulating that the feisty O'Pausal may have been traded to the National Enquirer for an undisclosed amount of cash and an "information conduit" to the Enquirer's secret files.
Minnie became famous with her witty columns on how to cope with the aging process. Her formulas for anti-wrinkle creams have been patented under the name of "Cutie Patootie's Wrinkle-be-Gone Vanishing Creme." Remarkably, Ms. O'Pausal discovered a hitherto unknown substance in common industrial spackling, most often used to fill holes in dry wall. With this surprising ingredient, O'Pausal was able to totally reverse the signs of facial aging. Ms. O'Pausal, herself, looks about fifteen.
Some of the more irreverent jokesters in the office have suggested that perhaps Ms. O'Pausal used too much of her own cream, but most insiders feel that this is just sour grapes on the part of co-workers who were jealous of Ms. O'Pausal's remarkable recovery from terminal wrinkling.
The aging O'Pausal is also known for her expert advice on how to navigate the local Super Store (which shall remain nameless due to legal ramifications). In the words of a co-worker who also wishes to remain anonymous: "Ms. O'Pausal has a mind like a steel trap! She never forgets a thing! It's really quite remarkable!"
This year, the amazing senior began teaching Tuesday night classes entitled "Brain and Body Rejuvenation Techniques for the Over-50." In fact, her Tuesday night students were the first to report her mysterious absence.
Local law enforcement officers were called at 9 a.m. Wednesday to confront the angry mob, one of whom flogged the Chief of Police unmercifully with a ten-foot sign. Another especially agitated demonstrator hurled assorted confections at officers and shouted, "Eat cake, you ruffians!"
Bud Hunt, publisher of the Statesman, could not be reached for comment as of press time this morning.
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Madeline (Giles) DeJournett is the Advance writer for the North Stoddard Countian. A retired high school English/history teacher, she spent 32 years teaching in 5 schools in Missouri and Alaska. These days, she lives quietly with a menagerie of wild and domestic animals on 52 secluded acres in the remote Tillman hills south of Advance. She graduated from Dexter High School in 1960 and Southeast Missouri State in 1964. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or by phone at 573-722-5322.
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