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Mostly Cloudy ~ High: 86°F ~ Low: 66°F Wednesday, June 19, 2013 |
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Local women protest Minnie O'Pausal's imprisonmentPosted Friday, October 17, 2008, at 7:43 AM
An angry group of local supporters of the famous women's-rights activist, Minnie O'Pausal, gathers outside the Daily Statesman office to demand that she be released from an undisclosed location and allowed to post her popular anti-aging advice for women-in-need.
Faithful Statesman blogger and part-time nighttime cleaning lady, Minnie O'Pausal, a 92-year-old retired postal worker, has not been seen in over a week. Reports are circulating that the door to the tiny closet which she uses as an office is locked, and no one seems to have the key. However, repeated inquiries have gone unanswered, and it is thought that Minnie is, in fact, not there. Unverified reports are circulating that the feisty O'Pausal may have been traded to the National Enquirer for an undisclosed amount of cash and an "information conduit" to the Enquirer's secret files. Minnie became famous with her witty columns on how to cope with the aging process. Her formulas for anti-wrinkle creams have been patented under the name of "Cutie Patootie's Wrinkle-be-Gone Vanishing Creme." Remarkably, Ms. O'Pausal discovered a hitherto unknown substance in common industrial spackling, most often used to fill holes in dry wall. With this surprising ingredient, O'Pausal was able to totally reverse the signs of facial aging. Ms. O'Pausal, herself, looks about fifteen. Some of the more irreverent jokesters in the office have suggested that perhaps Ms. O'Pausal used too much of her own cream, but most insiders feel that this is just sour grapes on the part of co-workers who were jealous of Ms. O'Pausal's remarkable recovery from terminal wrinkling. The aging O'Pausal is also known for her expert advice on how to navigate the local Super Store (which shall remain nameless due to legal ramifications). In the words of a co-worker who also wishes to remain anonymous: "Ms. O'Pausal has a mind like a steel trap! She never forgets a thing! It's really quite remarkable!" This year, the amazing senior began teaching Tuesday night classes entitled "Brain and Body Rejuvenation Techniques for the Over-50." In fact, her Tuesday night students were the first to report her mysterious absence. Local law enforcement officers were called at 9 a.m. Wednesday to confront the angry mob, one of whom flogged the Chief of Police unmercifully with a ten-foot sign. Another especially agitated demonstrator hurled assorted confections at officers and shouted, "Eat cake, you ruffians!" Bud Hunt, publisher of the Statesman, could not be reached for comment as of press time this morning. Comments Showing comments in chronological order [Show most recent comments first] |
Madeline DeJournett is the Advance writer for the North Stoddard Countian. A retired high school English/history teacher, she spent 32 years teaching in 5 schools in Missouri and Alaska. These days, she lives quietly with a menagerie of wild and domestic animals on 52 secluded acres in the remote Tillman hills south of Advance. She can be contacted at advancensc@sbcglobal.net or by phone at 573-722-5322.
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Wonderful demonstration, girlfriends! Thanks for all the support! Of course, that's Goat Lady there in the middle (the very trim, stylish one with the good posture and neat ankles), but I was NOT the one who hit that nice policeman!
That's Ducky to my immediate right and Cake Lady to my left. Yellow Rose is fourth from the left, standing a bit to herself. Dolphin is standing next to Cake. That's Ct there beside Cake. An ominous force, if I do say so myself...
I must confess that the officers seemed to have no aversion to the "confections" which were thrown at them. In fact, I saw some of them picking up crumbs and putting them in their pockets for later...
However, given the Cake Lady's past history with her many deceased husbands and their weakness for her bakery items, I might suggest that the officers not overindulge in her homemade sweets!
Let's just hope that Minnie's captors take notice of her support among the populace. We need her back in the worst way! My wrinkles are deepening by the minute!!!
Oops, I believe I made a slight mistake - Ct is standing next to Dolphin, not Cake... And I think that's Youngest Child, second from the right in the picture.
The photo was taken before the police arrived and caused all the mayhem. It was a peaceful demonstration until the Law arrived! Men just have no sense of decency!
I must confess, goatlady. I may well have been the one striking the policeman. Unfortunately for him, he reminded me of my dearly departed husband. (You remember him, he's the one that used to try seducing Cake Lady. Courageous, morally upstanding woman that she is, she refused all his advances and only supplied him with bountious amounts of her delectible cakes. Thanks, Cake. I shall forever be in your debt.)
I digress. When I saw that rude policeman sieze goatlady around her shapely midsection I fear I lost all control and proceeded to bludgeon him in a most unseemly manner. However, I have no regrets. It behooves us all to come to the aid of our beloved Minnie. Shall anyone do less? Nay, never, I say.
Oh, where is that charming, dashing and handsome male reporter with the devilish grin who saved our intrepid leader last time she was abducted? Has this same fiend locked him in the dungeon to prevent his rescue of Maid Minnie, the Smooth of Face?
We must increase our efforts, dear ladies. I exhort you to rise up and throw off the shackles of age wrinkles. Free Minnie!!!!
Who's got the various and sundry melons? I'm ready to start chunkin' punkins.
I know where I can load up a bunch of leftover punkins out on Hiwy 25! I'm sure no one wants them. They're funny shapes, but they might actually fit in our catapults better than the round ones!
Do any of you still have our equipment from last time? I'll round up the goats! Ducky, you get your bombers ready to go!
WE CAN DO IT!!
I must confess,of Maid Minnie we are all so fond,
I fear she is under the charm of a Scottish rogue named Sean.
Our Minnie, a virtuous,chaste,hardworker is she!
She's been worked to the bones by the Statesman crew,no rest for dear Minnie.
Sean took advantage of Minnie (again!)by exploiting this overwork blunder.
How else can we explain her virtues asunder?
She'll soon reappear,refreshed,looking younger than ever.
Touting the "vanishing creme" that keeps her youthful and clever...
Minnie will never kiss and tell of the day-
Unless incriminating photos are posted from a yacht at St.Tropez!
Oh, no, not that rascal Sean again! I thought we eliminated him a long time ago!
How can we be sure that the Enquirer isn't behind this? They could have kidnapped Minnie and forced her to write sordid stories about movie star breakups!
Poor, poor Minnie. A dismal life in Hollywood is no fate for a frail 92-year-old small town girl like our dear wrinkle advisor!
Concern over Minnie is reaching a fever pitch! I stumbled across a FREE MINNIE O'PAUSAL website at, http://forejustice.org/md/minnie/minnie....
Well, this is a rather phenominal development in the Missing Minnie Mystery, all right! I heard a bunch of buzzing in the air over Stoddard County this afternoon, but I thought those darn bees were building in my attic again. Who knew it was a skywriting airplane??
We should definitely be able to smoke her out with that!
Thanks for the good news, FJ!
Hark! Do I hear a call to arms? Yeah! Never Fear!
Ducky and the aerial bombers will once again darken the skies with our wings. Yellow Rose, gather the punkins and other assorted melons. I.B., fire up the Harley to lead the ground assault! Cake Lady, once again we need your curious culinary confections to hurl at the dastardly fiends holding our Minnie. Youngest Child, you grab the trebuchet and head for the battlements. Goat Lady, call in all the goats, including those on Planet Goat and the kudzu patrols. Meet in the usual place on the road to Dexter and we will prevail in this most worthy of enterprises.
Free Minnie! Free Minnie! Free Minnie!
Aye, aye, Capt. Duckworthy! My goats are full of kudzu and ready to charge wheresoever they are needed!
Youngest Child, don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes!
Ducks - Bombs away!
Blogger Battle Assault at Daybreak!
The protests are spreading like wildfire! Kids are now mobilizing for Minnie's freedom! Here is an amazing photo of three Kids For Minnie, http://forejustice.org/md/minnie/minnie_...
Dastardly fiends indeed! My tasty confections will persuade those ruffians to relent.
What is that old saying...kill 'em with kindness?
Oh, my gosh, FJ! Zombie kids are protesting for Minnie's freedom!!!
Cake, you've answered the call just in time!! We're doomed to forever look like prune-faced old hags if we can't get out beloved Minnie out of her vile imprisonment! Fire up your oven and start baking!
Oh my...how will I ever face the effects of growing younger without Minnie's apparently useful concoction?
I shall gather up all my other friends in our fight to free our beloved Minnie!
And away we go!
I suggest that we use a divide-and-conquer technique in this assault: While the majority of our forces concentrate on a frontal assault in the street outside the Statesman, several of our more agile members will scale the walls and climb in through the air-conditioning vents. We can leap on Minnie's captors from on high. They'll never know what hit them!
Of course, a few innocent people may get slightly trampled in this endeavor, but I'm sure they'll appreciate the seriousness of the occasion.
A new front has opened in the quest for Minnie's freedom -- and the children are again leading the way! A photographer hidden in bushes waiting for Britney Spears took this photo, http://forejustice.org/md/minnie/minnie_...
SPOOKY!!!!
goat lady, I'm totally honored to be included in this group. There's nothing wrong with a good demonstration! And where, oh where, is our beloved Minnie? Down with the establishment and up with Sisterhood! Peace and Love, ct
Well, ct, you've managed to weather the storm and withstand some pretty severe initiation by the dead rockers, so I think you may be a keeper!!
I regret to report that our aerial assault from the rooftop of the Statesman office was unsuccessful, as Ducky, Cake and I were apprehended by the local constables of the law and forced to spend last night in the HOOSECAL! I suspect that they were tipped off by reading this blog! Who would have suspected that they were keeping an eye on the Statesman website for criminal activity??
We subsisted on bread and water until 8 a.m. this morning, when we were leased, each of us having lost about five pounds. So, that's the good and bad of that operation.
HOWEVER, the authorities have seriously underestimated our determination! We shall regroup and mount another attack!
Let's hope that our dear Minnie is not being subjected to the third degree or being deprived of food! Heaven knows, the feisty little senior has little body fat to spare! A couple of days without food, and she would simply fade away!
Stay posted for more marching orders, Free Minnie Bloggers!
What about organizing a candle light vigil? Or a peaceful march from the newspaper office to, say, the police station? We can't do enough to find our Minnie. Sisters of the World UNITE!
After our harrowing night under the thumb of THE MAN, I'm willing to try a semi-peaceful march on the newspaper office and/or police station. We could do like Cake Lady suggests - provide them with more than abundant samples of her ever so sweet confections. Hahahaha! (Darn. I with there was some way to indicate maniacal laughter on the blog. Oh well, just use your imagination to insert a cool Vincent Price sort of laugh.)
If that doesn't work, we drag out the Super Deluxe Punkin' Chunker. I vow revenge on that weaslely little law enforcement office who had the unmitigated gall to seize Goat Lady around her shapely middle yet again. He seems to have a "thing" about her mid-section. Come to think of it, he seems to like seizing Goat Lady in general and doesn't appear to be very particular about which body parts. Fiend. Cad. Ruffian.
Hey, he was actually kinda cute in a bear-like way...(If you like bears...)
Well, back to the issues at hand! Ct, I like the idea of a march from the newspaper office to the police station WITH CANDLES! Then, of course, our intent will be peaceful - but if push comes to shove, we can always set something on fire!
Wait a minute! Where IS the police station?? Is it anywhere near the Post Office?? I hope it's not out on the highway somewhere. Not sure I could make it. Wear your comfy shoes, girls.
Let's see...It's getting dark about 6:30 now, isn't it?
Do you think we should wear reflective hazard signs on our backs so we don't get run over?? We'll have the candles, but they might not show up if a motorist is cruisin' along about 50 m.p.h...
Okay...I'll take care of the signs. Meet me in front of the Statesman office at, say, six o'clock. If any of you guys wanna help, just pop in!
WE'RE COMING, MINNIE!!! HANG ON, GIRL!!
I'll bring the bullhorns. Heck no, we won't go! Heck no, we won't go!
Ms. O'Pausal, a favorite of women of all ages for her trusted methods of coping with the everyday rigors of life, has been the subject of an intensive search by her many fans.
"We have received little cooperation from authorities," stated a rather belligerent lady who gave her name as Ducky DoLittle.
"We are outraged by the apparently indifferent attitude of both police and Statesman staff!" said another aggressive person who was leading a herd of approximately 32 goats through the downtown streets of this Southeast Missouri town of 7,500.
The demonstration, which began at the Statesman office and proceeded to the Police Station, tied up traffic along Walnut and Stoddard Streets for approximately 3 hours, as police attempted to round up goats and ducks, who were running amuck in downtown Dexter.
The city jail was unable to hold all the protestors, both human and barnyard animal, so Stoddard County Sheriff's deputies were called to handle the overflow.
It is reported that both jails are filled to overflowing, as of Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2008.
More information will be posted as events in this bazaar case unfold.
Madeline, If your write-up was sent out as a wire story it would be run in papers and reported on TV and radio stations around the country as true! People around the country would be outraged at the widespread human rights violations occurring in Stoddard County! International organizations such as Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International might even get involved!
Mind your own business, FJ! We were released this morning, no worse for wear, and I've loaded all my goats up and brought them home on the farm.
I don't know if all Ducky's little flappers were rounded up, but I think they were. At any rate, I think they're a type of HOMING DUCK, so they'll find their way back home to the hills.
Did I just step into the Twilight Zone?!? Who the *#@! is Minnie O'Pausal? I'm guessing some make-believe person maybe. Seriously, never heard the name. What's wrong with you people?
Oh, dear! Good example of what happens when our bloggers don't blog! Newcomers don't even know who they are!
Morrison, if you really want to know (instead of just having something to rant about), go to "blogs" at the top of the Statesman homepage. That gives you the total number of bloggers on this site. The ones you see on the main page, left-hand side, are just a few of the total.
Minnie O'Pausal writes (or USED to write!!!!) a humorous column aimed primarily at the gals, though some of the guys joined in occasionally. It was a hoot!!!
She was/is our FAVORITE blogger, and WE WANT HER BACK!!!
Okay, Newbie, I just checked the master list - Minnie hasn't posted an entry since Sept. 10.
See why we're so ticked off?????
Just leave it to a man...ie Jim Morrison....to not know a respected woman like Minnie. Jim must already BE in the Twilight Zone if he's as oblivious as that. I, personally, feel that our candlelight vigil was an overwhelming success. If our MIA Minnie doesn't surface soon, we'll just have to start playing hardball!
I agree with you on ALL counts, ct! We should put up a sign: "No men allowed!" hahaha!
Hardball coming up!!
I thought that was the way it already is.
I'm starting to think Minnie may be in Hollywood.I can think of no one finer than Ms. O'Pausal to help Cloris Leachman channel her inner,mature sexpotiness on "Dancing With The Stars".
I have a sneaking feeling Minnie will return as soon as Cloris hangs up her dancing shoes!
I will also quit watching the show,as she is the only real entertainment EVER on that show!
Oooooh, I.B., you're the only male voice of wisdom we allow on our girl blogs, isn't he, ladies??
I think some of our protestors are resting up for Round 2. It was quite a grueling experience, wasn't it, fellow feminists? My goats may not come out of their houses for a week.
Perhaps Minnie's disappearance can be blamed on 'climate changes'. After all ice caps are disappearing and polar bears are gone also. Global Warming.
Yellow Rose! You've got it! It isn't Cloris - IT'S MINNIE!!!
That explains everything! I noticed on the last show...and thought I was just imagining things...that just when Cloris did her amazing back-bend...I spotted the word "PULLET" stamped on her undies!
And, didn't that look suspiciously like a trace of Skinny Cow crumbs adorning her spangles?
We've found her!!!
Girls, girls! Your powers of observation are positively staggering! I believe you have found our dear departed Minnie! Isn't her performance an absolute WONDER for a woman of 92? No wonder that young rascal Sean finds her so irresistable!
And what a testiment to her anti-aging spackle cream!
I must rush out and buy a gallon of it!!
As I'm finishing my double gin and tonic, I realized something. You women are wack! If I didn't have an extra 30 minutes late at night, I wouldn't even be able to comment.
Morrison, while I applaud your noble attempt to continue posting in the hoon tradition in order to keep alive the memory of your beloved, irreverent leader, I am sure that you can find more culturally uplifting activities to occupy the extra 30 minutes you have in your frightfully busy day.
This is a girl's blog, in case you haven't noticed, and we can be "wack" if we so choose!
Go pickle your brain on the sports blog!
Indeed, goat lady, you know wherefrom you speak.
I still want Minnie back. Things just aren't the same without her.
Ditto that, ducky!! What do you think of the theory that Minnie is, in reality, disguised as Cloris Leachman and is burning up the dance floor on the ever-popular "Dancing with the Stars"????
Well, as events later proved, Yellow Rose's theory was correct! Minnie was, in fact, on Dancy with the Stars! While we will miss her sorely, it is reassuring to know that she is alive, happy, and completely hydrated!
Perhaps she will return to us one day!