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In my next life...

Posted Monday, August 27, 2007, at 9:55 PM

I am nothing if not a target for good intended ridicule, therefore I am compelled to expound on a few little traits I have, as I'm sure many of us do, that drive some people nuts. I don't do these things with any intention to drive others in that direction. It's just the way I am and I'm always amazed when I realize how strange others find these things to be. For instance, there is not one clock in my home that reads the same time. I suppose to obtain an accurate reading, one could observe the lower corner of the computer screen. But for my purposes, the kitchen clock is about five minutes ahead to get me to work on time. The bedroom clock is 20 minutes ahead to account for at least two "snooze" pushes each morning. My watch is about seven minutes fast to account for trains, slow traffic, etc. and my vehicle's clock is an hour ahead or behind so I'm always ready for the time change (coming up, you know).

I also procrastinate, to a fault I'm afraid. I'd like to say that it's an age thing, but I'm afraid I've done it all my life. Assignments were always completed at the last minute. Christmas cards might go in the mail on the 24th,(that is, if time allows after I finish my Christmas shopping). Thank-you notes went out only as a result of embarrassment. I always have the best of intentions. Most just never seem to quite materialize in a timely manner. Now, in this age of digital photography, I have yet another admitted procrastination. I take the most wonderful pictures and load them all and never sort them or have them printed. I keep meaning to...maybe tomorrow. And I so envy friends who send cards on a timely basis, and especially those who send cards for no occasion in particular. Those are the most cherished. How I wish I could be that person, which brings me to this point…

In my next life…

I will be disgustingly prompt! My Christmas cards will be addressed and stamped (with $2.00 stamps no doubt) and I'll have all my holiday shopping completed by Halloween.

I will be organized. There will be a specific spot in one of my lower cabinets for just lids..lids of every kind. Pot and pan lids, Tupperware lids, mixing bowl lids. I may even color code 'em. They'll all be stored in perfect order, at the ready for any occasion. And all my dishes will consist of only one pattern.

I'll throw or give away anything in my closet that I haven't utilized in the past two years.

I will have perfectly behaved children and grandchildren, even in Wal-Mart.

I will have only matching towels and wash cloths and they will only come from Macy's or Penny's. Likewise for bedding.

I will plant outside bulbs and flowers that will enable me to have something blooming during each season.

I will be brave.

I will taste anchovies.

I will suck in helium more often with my grandchildren and recite the alphabet (funny how we can't think of anything else to say while on helium).

I'll make more snow angels.

I'll learn calligraphy.

I'll read War and Peace.

I will build a wrap-around porch.

I will read the Bible (Catholics don't do that, you know).

I will have all clocks set at the same actual time.

I will remember to transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer on the same day.

And I will have cards on hand (those good Shoebox Greetings ones) that are fit for every occasion and I will actually mail them in a timely manner.

What will you do?

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Goats? Did I hear someone mention goats? What about them? What does a goat have to do with a duck or a frog?

What are we talking about here, anyway?

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Sep 8, 2007, at 9:02 PM

So true, I.B. You have to love your chosen mate, warts and all. No one has the right to expect someone to change for them. Besides, that kind of change is rarely possible. Particularly if the change is being driven by another person, male or female. Honesty in a relationship is crucial. No one can be something they're not for long.

I agree about frogs and pitbulls. Same thing goes for ducks and goats.

-- Posted by Ducky on Thu, Sep 6, 2007, at 1:06 PM

The right girl can turn a frog into a prince or a pit bull into a lap dog. The question is if the frog and lap dog can remain comfortable for an extended period of time.

Of course there are a few out there that are in their natural state I guess.

Maybe some just like the frogs and pit bulls. I hope, anyway.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Wed, Sep 5, 2007, at 10:39 PM

Now, that is profound, I.B.! Nice to think that everyone has the potential to be a hotty!

Good to see you have been resurrected. I was just asking where you were! Thought maybe Cake Lady had slipped you a tasty piece of Devil's Food!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Sep 5, 2007, at 9:53 PM

Everyone is a hunk if you know how to get them to be one. It does sound a little too good though. I have never cared for relationships that perfect myself and I went through a few. It's a long way down from way up there.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Wed, Sep 5, 2007, at 9:30 PM

Oh, wow, Ducky! I could really go for a guy with those criteria! I could forego the drop dead good looks and - yes - even the three-letter "S" word for all your aforementioned qualities!

Yellow Rose, you're making us old gals more jealous by the minute!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Sep 4, 2007, at 8:55 PM

He's a keeper.He can cook, if you like sandwiches, he knows how to put his clothes in the laundry hamper and when I'm sick he brings me soup and I don't know too many guys our age who are even that thoughtful!

If I am being honest,neither one of us can "really" dance or make our own clothes,but we dig each other's great personalities (sp?)-lol.

Ducky,he's bonafide.

If you can find another person who is a great friend and companion,and they feel the same about you,and they want to be your snuggle buddy-SNAG THEM! Make sure you get a solid pre-nup though, especially if you own anything.Have we not learned anything from poor Liza Minelli and everyone who has married Tom Cruise?

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Tue, Sep 4, 2007, at 4:30 PM

What a shame, goat lady. Whenever I hear a Tango I think of that scene with Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman." Wow.

Ok. In my next life I'm going to snag a man who LIKES to dance. Frankly, I don't even care if he's gay. Good dancer, good cook, likes to clean house, thoughtful, supportive and attentive to me, kind to my family, must love dogs and cats -- heck, with that criteria he probably will be gay. God knows I haven't found him in the straight community.

What do you think? Do straight guys like that exist out there? Yellow Rose, is your hunk such a prize? How about the male perspective, I.B.?

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Sep 4, 2007, at 12:47 PM

My husband and I actually learned to dance the Tango in college, but do you think he would ever do it again?? I think not! I guess I should have given him a grade.

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Aug 30, 2007, at 9:40 PM

Make me a Budhist Monk please.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Thu, Aug 30, 2007, at 12:29 AM
Minne O'Pausal's response:
But, I.B., you would then miss all the fun. Last time I checked, they didn't allow blogging in the sangha.


-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Aug 28, 2007, at 8:47 PM

In my next life I hope to be a better friend.

I will have a job that's STRICTLY 8 to 5 and doesn't require writing.

I will say "no" when my better half suggests moving 500 miles from home and family -- it can come back to haunt you as your own children move away.

I will live better, laugh longer and love more deeply

-- Posted by peachpal on Tue, Aug 28, 2007, at 4:20 PM

In my next life I will find a job that makes me laugh every day.

I'll actually keep a clean house instead of just thinking about it.

Sit on the front porch and visit with neighbors walking by.

Plant a garden.

Learn to dance the Tango and go someplace where I can dance it.

Stay thin from the beginning rather than letting the weight creep up over the years.

Call my Dad and tell him I love him before it's too late.

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Aug 28, 2007, at 2:59 PM

In my next life, I will:


Know where the computer clock IS.

Be able to find the instructions on how to reorder my prescriptions by mail.

Read newspapers when they come and then throw them away - or recycle them - immediately.

Put all my grandchildren's photos in frames or scrapbooks before they're grown.

Use the kitchen table to eat from, instead of cluttering it up with beading projects.

Vacuum every day.

Have automatic kitty litter boxes.

Hire cleaning help to come once a week. (Have to clean first)

Make files for all important papers - and actually put the files in the file cabinets...(which now sit mostly empty, while I have PILES of papers ALL OVER THE HOUSE!)

Clean up my deck and front porch, so I can actually use them.

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Aug 28, 2007, at 7:30 AM

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