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The former Daily Statesman is now The Dexter Statesman and currently does not have an operating website.

Just shoot me...

Posted Sunday, November 4, 2007, at 9:35 PM

*if I ever don polyester...again.

*if my luncheon with friends is filled only with discussion of diagnoses and/or prognoses.

*if I ever tell a highway patrolman, "There wasn't a stop sign there last week."

*if I ever tell a reporter following a tornado, "It sounded just like a train."

...if I am ever found to be piloting one of those electric chairs in Wal Mart (unless I have a major malfunctioning body part that has required at least one surgical procedure).

*if I am ever heard to utter, "I don't care what it looks like...it's comfortable."

*if I ever dress a dog in clothing and take it out in public, unless it's a dog parade.

*if I ever attend a dog parade.

*if duct tape is ever applied to an area of my vehicle in an effort to secure any moving part.

...if I ever combine knee-hi's and a dress in the same ensemble.

*if ever I am toothless and blue-haired and oblivious and am declared Valentine Queen.

*if my doctor ever tells me he's narrowed my problem down to one of two things.. a tumor or a late life pregnancy.

...If I win a moustache contest.

Showing comments in chronological order
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Just shoot me

...if I forget my own name.

...if I ever (again) attend one of those singles mixers, where they line up to dance with strangers.

...if my back goes out more than I do.

...if my teeth spend the night on the bedstand.

...if I ever join match.com again.

...if I ever forget the way home.

...if the highlight of my day is watching As the World Turns.

...if I apply to be on a reality show.

...if I have to watch a full day of "Sponge Bob Square Pants" cartoons.

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Nov 5, 2007, at 6:50 AM

...if I have to travel in a car with a woman who talks non-stop in a high-pitched, whiney voice.

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Nov 5, 2007, at 5:32 PM


OR if I have to travel in a car with a MAN who talks non-stop in a high-pitched, whiney voice...and the ring on my finger tells me I'll be listening to that voice for awhile longer...and I can't find Cake for a good recipe.

-- Posted by bringwine on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 6:22 AM

Ah, equal opportunity whiners?!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 7:39 AM

Oh bringwne dear, I will always be there for you, recipe ready.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 8:03 AM

...if I ever again pick up the phone to hear an automated voice saying "this is your Congressman, Roy Blunt..."

...if I ever watch a reality show.

...if I ever again ask my compulsive obsessive sister-in-law to bring a dish to a family dinner.

...if I ever qualify to hide my own Easter Eggs (it's not that far off).

...if I'm ever trapped on a trip in a car with kids singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."

...if I ever forget how to find my blogger buddies.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 12:20 PM

I once rode a bus with a bunch of high school students, who sang (over and over), a popular song of the 80's (or late 70's) that went "For the longest time...Oh..whoa, whoa, whoa! For the longest time...Oh whoa, whoa, whoa...."

I don't remember how the rest of the song went - just that horribly monotonous "whoa, whoa, whoa"!!

I think I lost a good many brain cells that night...

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 3:18 PM

...if I ever say to a co-worker,sure I'll trade you shifts,then they call in anyway,so I get to do both our jobs for 12 glorious hours.

...if I ever allow one of my friends to get a tattoo of their true love's name,ESPECIALLY on the left side of their neck (the side the police see first if you are in a car!)I have seen really old people with tattoos and due to skin saggage(word?) and dryness they are often unreadable,and never attractive. It is individual expression,but I must stop anyone I care about from getting a neck tat!

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 4:45 PM

I guess I'll just have that "Motorcycle Mamma" put on my cankle.

-- Posted by bringwine on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 6:14 PM

Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Goat Lady,

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!, I do believe,

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!, That you are refering,

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!, to "The Longest Time,"

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!, by Billy Joel,

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!, from his 1983 album "An Innocent Man," Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

And Whoa-oh-oh-oh!, GL, when I saw Billy Joel many moons ago, the front row seats were empty when he came on stage, because he said his best fans weren't what he referred to as the "gold chain" crowd, but people who could only afford the cheapest seats. So he had spunky fans from the upper tiers come down and have the front row seats. That impressed me a lot. Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

It's a shame that one line hits you wrong, GL, because "The Longest Time" is a song with wonderful life affirmative lyrics -- unlike many of the songs that are being discussed on Corey's Blog.

-- Posted by FJGuy on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 6:55 PM

Well, I knew SOMEone would know what the song was, but I never expected it to be our resident intellectual who would provide the title - much less sing the answer!

And, YR, I shall be sure that I never get a tatoo on the left side of my neck! Oh, wait! My neck is already too wrinkled for a tatoo! I guess I missed my chance when I was 21.

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Nov 7, 2007, at 9:25 PM

Dear Cyberpals,

I support the individuals right to expressing "art" on their own body.

After all it is all part of my master plan on looking younger than my peers,heh heh.

I think many of my friends and ladies I work with have more than one tat,I must refer back to my non-smoking and non-tanning policy(also using a good moisturizer and sunscreen,although I really don't burn).

When we are all older,I want to not only be around,I want to look the youngest, I want to bask in the affirmative praise of my youthful skin,"No way,Rose,you cannot be 60,you barely look older than 35!"

"Oh thank you, oh my-what is that on your neck,not a dreaded melonoma? I see,when you stretch your skin out it's a tat,what did it say? Oh my,well I never learned to read Chinese so I'll take your word for it!"

Wine,the ankle is okay,remember the lower back tats are played out-looks so dated,like Spring Break 2000.

-- Posted by Yellow Rose of Essex on Thu, Nov 8, 2007, at 8:11 AM

Oh, wow! What a lesson for all those girls! I'm sure they never dreamed that any of the TATS would go out of style!!

I never thought their lower back should be showing above their pants in the first place. And those thong underwear showing above the pants, too! T-A-C-K-Y!

Back in my day, a tatoo was a sure sign of a loose woman! Like pierced ears!

And the only kind of male tatoo that was acceptable was military - the "I got drunk and my buddies took me to a tatoo parlor" tatoo.

The times they are a' changing.

I wish I could live long enough to see these kids as old farts with their ridiculous tatoos shriveling up all over their bodies!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Nov 8, 2007, at 10:30 PM

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