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Never thought I'd own one of those...

Posted Tuesday, July 22, 2008, at 11:49 PM

I recall the younger days when I'd see the "elders," (kind of makes me sound like a Mennonite)…using items that I deemed fit only for the truly aged; those who were (I thought) near calling the cemetery 'home.'

Those "oldsters" were probably all of 55'ish at the time. And, I swore that never, no NEVER, would I succumb to the likes of things like bifocals and ankle socks.

Then I blinked and I was one of them. And as a result, I find myself purchasing those very items with which I identified only the aged. I'm not doing it just for fun, mind you, since the purchase or use of such things goes against everything I believe in. I do it out of absolute necessity and desperation, and for a sole reason. I am OLD. I look in my closet and I find shoes that I have purchased not for style, but for comfort, and I am reminded that yes, I am old.

I wear bifocals…now, that's OLD.

I listen to what some kindly call, "soft" music. It's just OLD music and I like it. Sometimes it's old singers re-singing the OLD songs, and that often makes it even better, but not always. Some of those old singers need to realize that they no longer cut the mustard…like Tony Orlando…you can only tie that yellow ribbon so many times and it becomes an old yellowed knot.

I take naps…sometimes not intentionally, but then those are the best ones and that's OLD.

I take vitamins…always counted on the sunshine and enough OJ to grant me my needed supply, but I'm told I now need Flax Seed and Fish Oil, and try as I might, I don't think rubbing that big crappie that almost got away all over my body is going to do the trick. And so, very much like OLD folks do, I take vitamins.

I don't like to drive at night…people just don't see me coming as well as they used to, it seems. The drivers of those approaching cars must be OLD.

I don't like loud music or loud cars. Definitely OLD.

I DO like loud speakers…they don't seem to be as loud as they used to be. Someone must have turned the volume down.

I am in need of one of those chains to wear around my neck to hold onto my glasses…OLDER!

I wear a visor to mow the yard…OLD.

I forget my age…often….but I know I'm OLD.

I also forget where my keys, my vehicle and my grandchildren are, but that's another story. I DO remember the important stuff. My debit card is in my wallet, the box of wine is in the fridge and the Skinny Cows are in the freezer, which reminds me, the supply is getting low…gotta run to that God-forsaken place where the blue gooey mouthed children abound…might get lucky and find a parking spot in the front row!

Anything make you feel OLD?

Minnie o'

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I love debit cards! Especially the one I now have with a new bank in that Big City by the Big River! It is SO FAST! (the debit card - not the river...) I can use the debit at 4 p.m. and it's already on my online account by the time I get home!

Oh, no, ct! I would NEVER hitch-hike!! And I haven't often been tempted to pick one up - even though I still hear those stories about how a hitch-hiker mysteriously disappears from the back seat (meaning he was an angel!). Too many bad, bad people out there!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Aug 16, 2008, at 9:23 PM

FJGuy...the problem I see with ONLY using checks is travel. Sure, you can buy replacable-if-lost travelers checks...but have you seen the fees on them bad boys? I'll stick with my debit card. I've never incrued an unwanted fee, and if I use it as a credit card, I get bonuses...works for me!

-- Posted by mrsdolphin on Sat, Aug 16, 2008, at 2:19 PM

Haven't any of you ever hitchhiked? I'd kind of like to know if anybody's stuck their thumb out to get a ride.

-- Posted by ct on Thu, Aug 14, 2008, at 2:18 PM


-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Aug 5, 2008, at 3:42 PM

McMurphy had a lobotomy. That'll never happen to Youngest Child!

Letseatcake, the terrain becomes increasingly unfamiliar, doesn't it?

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Jul 26, 2008, at 8:28 PM

Well Youngest it is good to see that you understand the value in OLD technologies like "boards" to keep track of your expenditures. If you had said you use an electronic organizer I would have went screaming from the room and ran the risk of ending up like McMurphy! Since you have one leg in the OLD world that means there is hope that someday you will go all the way and comprehend the value of checks.

-- Posted by FJGuy on Sat, Jul 26, 2008, at 3:05 PM

Minnie, I'm so happy to see your new blog! I thought we would be lost forever in the maze of new blogger rants and rages. I think perhaps we should all count our blessings in the age department - and you sound quite normal to me. I figure if we weren't supposed to nap God wouldn't have invented couches.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Jul 26, 2008, at 2:23 PM

You darned well better NOT be riding in a car with strangers, Youngest!

I think you sound remarkably well-organized and efficient, despite FJ's OLD advice about checkbooks and jump starts.

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Jul 26, 2008, at 6:39 AM

Take a ride from a stranger?!!! That's the OLDEST no-no in the book and even I follow that one!

-- Posted by Youngest Child on Fri, Jul 25, 2008, at 8:21 PM

Did I read it right Youngest that you use a "board"? Now that's OLD. That would be like 19th century OLD except you do use "dry-erase" instead of charcoal from a cook fire. FYI checkbooks are compact low-tech devices that don't require batteries or recharging, and your bank will likely be happy as peaches to give you one. You could use your NEW handy-dandy checkbook to write your expenditures in as you make them, just in case you take an overnight trip and can't keep all your expenditures straight in your head until the next time you can get at your "board" to write them down.

You might also keep in mind Youngest, that check writers might be more likely to give your car a jump start when your battery needs resuscitation, help you change a tire, or even give you a ride to get gas when you run out on the highway.

-- Posted by FJGuy on Fri, Jul 25, 2008, at 6:35 PM

I am really an unperson......a censored unperson. What the heck did I say to deserve that? HOON speaks the truth.

-- Posted by shannonhoon on Fri, Jul 25, 2008, at 3:19 PM

FJGuy, the way I do it is this: I buy everything on my credit card. When I get home, I write my expenditures on a categorized dry-erase board that's posted on the fridge. That way I keep track of my spending throughout the month, making sure to stick to my budget, and at each payday I pay off the cards completely. I know exactly how much money I have in my account at all times, and I can monitor both my credit and bank accounts online daily to make sure there are no unapproved expenditures (theft).

You must be the OLD guy in line ahead of me all the time, using a quill and ink to painstakingly write out your check in a script that looks like calligraphy written during an earthquake (this handwriting also id's you as an OLD person), holding up the line, and shrieking at the bag boy not to smash the bread! We young whippersnappers have places to be and your check-writing ways are cramping our style!!

-- Posted by Youngest Child on Fri, Jul 25, 2008, at 1:53 PM

Good to see you on the blogs again, youngest child!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 24, 2008, at 7:23 PM

FJGuy, I am appalled! I thought you were a smart guy!! Here you are, behaving like an OLD MAN!!

I, too, was reluctant to do the debit card thingy, and my first attempts were disasterous, as Ducky points out - I would forget to write them down.

However, I now have two checking accounts and two debit cards, and I LOVE them! I can get online and see EVERYTHING more clearly than ever before - and I've never been charged a DIME for using the cards! Of course, I never use them in a FOREIGN ATM machine, either. (advantage of living in a small town).

I know, I know....as surely as I brag about this, some disaster will happen and my house of debit cards will come crashing down around my head!

-- Posted by goat lady on Thu, Jul 24, 2008, at 7:21 PM

Youngest, it sounds like you work for one of those newfangled financial services companies that makes its profits from slapping a fee or charge on everything from looking at a pretty teller for more than three seconds to a 1 cent overdraft. Writing checks you knew exactly how much you have available at all times of the day or night, while with one of those fee sucking plastic debit cards you are flying by the seat of your pants. Plus many places charge a secret surcharge for using a debit card, while you pay the posted price for King Cash or a check. It would be an advance for American civilization to get rid of debit cards and go back to the future of using checks. It ain't OLD, its right.

-- Posted by FJGuy on Thu, Jul 24, 2008, at 6:23 PM

Right, use a debit card. Then, being old, forget to write it in your checkbook and start bouncing checks all over town. Not a happy ending.

Actually, I do use my debit card -- but much more carefully now. It can be a tricky little rascal. To be on the safe side, sometimes I just use my credit card and pay the bill when it comes in. Yes, yes, I'm not saying that tactic isn't tricky too.

-- Posted by Ducky on Thu, Jul 24, 2008, at 12:46 PM

I can't believe some people still write checks in the checkout line! I hate being behind a check writer. What's worse is that most places now have a little printer that'll write your check for you and all you do is review and sign... but I guess when you're OLD you don't trust them fancy machines. Save a tree, use your debit card!

-- Posted by Youngest Child on Thu, Jul 24, 2008, at 10:02 AM

On second thought, if this is Sybilian, she would have to end up with about 16 personalities, wouldn't she?

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 10:05 PM


-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 10:04 PM

Yikes! Looks like we've got a Sybil thing goin on -- either Madeline thinks she is Minnie, or Minnie thinks she is Madeline. Who would have ever thunk that?

-- Posted by FJGuy on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 9:05 PM

Old? Never! Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. I resolve to never grow up.

Reality check. When I wake up in the morning and have to roll to get up the momentum to get out of bed - that's old.

When I go to family funerals and recognize fewer and fewer of the mourners (and the ones I do look older than dirt) - that's old.

When I hear "Stairway to Heaven" on the Easy Listening station - that's old.

Peter Pan had the right idea. Second star on the right and straight on 'til morning.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 12:58 PM
Minnie O'Pausal's response:
Minnie, this is Madeline. I just have to tell you what happened to me today: I lost my notes from a 1 1/2 hour Progress interview I did yesterday morning! I felt sure that I had brought them home to work on them last night, but I couldn't find them anywhere. "Well, must be at work. Guess I didn't bring them home." Back at work this morning. No notes. Back home (14 miles) at lunch to look AGAIN. No notes. Back to work after lunch. Search the car again. Search the office again. No notes! ACK! Progress Deadline B is TOMORROW!!! Gotta have 3 stories in, or the boss'll have my head on a pole!!

I call my buddy Teresa, who had set the interview up with a lovely elderly couple out in the country. She had taken some notes, but not much. She said she would pray to St. Anthony for me. Don't need to explain to you that he's the saint of lost objects. I've had experience with him before, having taught in a Catholic community.

I just came home and FOUND my notes -- in the kitchen, on the butcher block table....(are you ready for this?) IN A BAG OF ONIONS that I bought for the Senior Center yesterday!!!

Top that, blogger buddies!!! That's OLD!! Even my grandma wouldn't have done THAT!

Dolphin, lists don't work! I have them all over the house and the office and in every pocket. I can never find the right list at the right time! I try to keep little notebooks, so the lists are all together in one spot, but I lose the notebooks, too!

Ah, ct, those were the days! Even if the guys had ulterior motives, they still stopped to help! I guess it's better (and safer) to look like their mothers, though!

(A knight in a pick up truck...Now, there's a thought...)

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 11:48 AM

Bobby, dear - maybe you have werewolf genes!!! Hahaha! If so, it looks good on you!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 11:40 AM

When my vehicle used to break down, all I had to do was stand outside it and a guy in a pick up truck would stop to help (and flirt a little bit.) Now they stop to help and call me ma'am cause I remind them of their mom's (or grandmoms) But thank gosh for guys in pick up trucks, either way! Oh, and before I'd stoop down to pick up things, but now the knees aren't what they used to be, so bending over is much easier! I still think that age is a relative thing so even when the body gives out, the spirit lives on!! Good column!

-- Posted by ct on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 9:54 AM

Why does hair like to grow out of my ears now? I've never rubbed Rogaine in them! I can't stand it! Pass me the tweezers!

-- Posted by greer958 on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 9:41 AM

Another wonderful blog Miss Minnie.

The 2 things that make me feel old are...

#1. I've thrown my back out 4 times since I was 22 (and I'm only 27).

#2. I can't remember much of anything. If I don't write it down, chances are, I'll forget it. That is, if I don't forget to write it down!

I'm sure there will be more to add to that list in the coming years...I just haven't decided whether I should embrace it, or fight it!

-- Posted by mrsdolphin on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 9:40 AM

Don't write checks. My darling daughter says that checks are OLD. Use your debit card. (Gets you through the check out line faster, too.)

Do NOT wear tight clothes. Nobody'll think you're pregnant in loose clothes if you're OLD.

Why throw away perfectly good clothes, just because they're 20 years out of style? Don't buy the fads; they'll be out in a year. Do NOT wear low rise!

Comfort is the key.

Wear gaudy jewelry. It takes attention away from your wrinkles (AND your fat!). Anything that glitters is gold. The more outlandish, the better. Summertime is best for this. Also helps if the jewelry makes a noise. Good distraction. Bangles and baubles also provide an irresistable lure for babies, so you'll get the added benefit of having adorable children reach for you. (Avoid the ones with sticky blue mouths!)

Carry a big purse on a long strap. You can use it to throttle attackers and people who unwisely get in the check out line in front of you.

Remember the key: Grandmothers can do no wrong! If it was good enough for Estelle Getty, it's good for all of us!

Thanks for this blog, Minnie; it was greatly needed!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Jul 23, 2008, at 6:34 AM

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