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To Spanks or not to Spanks

Posted Friday, August 22, 2008, at 12:13 PM

I had a fancy shmancy event to attend recently and was feeling every bit of that extra 20 pounds that I need to walk off or no-carb off or no-sugar off or count points off. And the night before the event, on Oprah (the 10 p.m. version), the beloved Queen of talk was promoting items for women that were "quick fixes" to make them feel and look better (than what they really are, I suppose).

Well, madam Oprah was really hyped up about a certain item called "Spanks." I'd heard of Spanks, had talked about them with a few meno-friends, but had never really seen them or talked to anyone who actually wore them.

Basically, Spanks (for those who are unfamiliar) are a tube-like garment with two holes at the bottom through which one's legs are theoretically inserted, after which (again theoretically) they are pulled up to the waist and then further, until they end just under the bustline (which at my age could be anywhere from the neck to the knees…depends on the undergarment worn at the time)…Ah, but I digress.

SO, the morning of this event of which I speak, I was, of course, at the local W.A. Lamart (Super Center, no less) and there on the rack near the wireless lacy bras that any flat-chested would be proud to wear, were rows and rows of these wanna-be Spanks, W.A.Lamart versions. I think they were called something like, "Toners" or "Sweet Nothings"or something unreasonable like that.

They came in sizes from medium to XL, which I thought appropriate, since there would be no reason for someone who was truly small to need such a device. So, I very nonchalantly saundered over to the racks of Spanks wanna-bees, pretending not to be the least bit interested in such a thing, but all the while taking note of the sizes. And then, with visions of fitting into that size 10 suit in the closet, I ever-so-non-chalantly placed a LG (beige or perhaps "Wheat") fake Spanks in my cart, right between the box of wine and the Skinny Cows (chocolate and vanilla variety pack). I was on my way and feeling quite sassy, I might add.

I couldn't wait to get to the counter, although I was careful in choosing which one I selected. Didn't want to take the chance of standing in line and meeting up with a familiar face and people always look in your cart to see what you're up to. If you have charcoal there, they'll say, "Oh, gonna barbeque?" If you have baby clothes, they say, "Ah, going to a shower?" If you have chocolate chips, they come off with, "Oh, gone bake some cookies?" (Guess they don't know those things are good just as they are). Well, what does an acquaintance say when you have fake Spanks in the cart….maybe, "Ah, I see you're gonna try to hide that extra 20 pounds by stuffing 'em through that tube of fake Spanks, huh?"

And so, I strategically chose my aisle (not the self-checkout, at which I ALWAYS have to call for help) and with my fake Spanks, boxed wine and Skinny Cows in tow, quickly made a beeline for my Jeep. I only park in one of two side-by-side spots these days, and will circle the lot for hours until one of them is available, so I knew precisely where I was headed.

AH, home at last. Couldn't wait to try out the new miracle fabric drug. I was so excited, I nearly forgot to put the Skinny Cows in the freezer, lest I should be forced to scoop the running chocolate up and devour via spoon.

SO, the time had come. I was ready to transform this aging, sagging, meno physique into the slim and trim physiques I'd seen on the big screen (well, OK, the 25" screen).

I took the fake Spanks to the privacy of my bedroom and began this quest to magically eliminate 20 unwanted pounds.

It began with unwrapping the fakers and finding them to be not nearly as large as I. But then, I was about to be transformed, so what did it matter? I sized them up, holding them before me with each index finger and thumb as one does a still-wet fingerpainting. Only the fingerpainting seems to fit better.

Disrobed, I gingerly attempt to step into the right leg. I fall backwards. I try again. The hole is not big enough. It takes both hands to stretch the right leg hole big enough to get my foot and right cankle in. Ah, but at last, success. The same procedure follows for the left foot and cankle. So, I'm half way home. Now comes the real challenge; getting this Spanks faker past the knees, up to the waist (aptly named), and beyond.

I pull. I tug. I pull more and tug again. Five minutes later and sweating profusely, I've managed to inch the fake Spanks to mid-calf. I'm on my way!

More sweat. Some cursing. Minutes pass painfully. At long last, by wedging my entire fist into the back side and pulling as hard as I would pull a drowning child out of a raging river, I manage to stretch, beyond reason, the fakers up to waist level.

There still remains about eight inches of the elastic fabric that is so skin-tight I fear I'm going to turn blue. The access fabric should, again theoretically, easily be pulled upward, thereby smushing in the unwanted poundage that rolls between one's waist and bust. That's a vast area, I'd say.

But I'm determined. I push and pull and pry and push some more. Finally, I suck in all the air a human is capable of sucking in and I yank with all the power I can muster and…..SUCCESS! It's there, in place. I am wrapped so tightly from just above the knees to just below the bust that I feel like an apple that's just been cored. The fake Spanks is the core. It's so tight I cannot take a breath without pain. And I'm sweating. Profusely. It's soaking through the fake garment and puddling in the hip area, which I can't even see now because it hurts too much to bend.

It's about 68 degrees in my house and I'm supposed to wear this UNDER my clothes in 90 degree heat. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

I thought of backing out, but then decided I'd at least try it with the suit that I intended to wear to the shmancy event. And so, between gasping breaths for air, I grabbed the suit off the rack…a lovely dusty rose duo. I manage to bend just enough to slide on the pants. Then the jacket. I feel like I'm in a vise.

One of the selling point of the fake Spanks is the "no panty line" pitch. Guaranteed. Well, they're right. There is no panty line. There is, however, a clearly defined "above the knee" line. And here's the worst part. If you take too deep a breath, which you're tempted to do when you fear that breathing will cease at any moment….you risk the chance of the faker Spanks "rolling." That's right. They start at the top, just below the supposed bustline, and WHAM!"

It was much like what an over-inflated party balloon hooked to one's thumb does when it begins to slip off the thumb, roll by roll. It inches its way forward (or downward, as the case may be) and then …blub, blub, BLAM! It's a gonner…flopping all over the room, hitting walls and the ceiling and finally coming to rest on the floor, deflated. And so it is with the fake Spanks. Once the skin tight, unforgiving fabric begins its descent, there's no rescuing it. The plunge is going to come to a screeching halt around what used to be your waist, at which time you will experience somewhat of a relief from the waist up, and the sensation of having an inner tube squeezing the life right out of you at the center of your being. It is no fun, nor is it attractive, nor does it grant you the appearance of being 20 pounds lighter.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would grade the fake Spanks at about a negative 9. And that's being generous.

I thought about returning the $12 garment to W.A.Lamart. But what do I say? …"I'm sorry, but this was just too big," or "I just decided I didn't need this afterall."

Or how about trying the honest approach? "This thing almost killed me and not only to I want my money back, but I demand payment for emotional and psychological duress, not to mention the damage to my bedroom's ceiling fan when the device shot off my cankles and into the path of the overhead blades, slinging it round and round and finally coming to rest upon the bedside table in a teeny heap.

If we ever capture BinLaden, we should put him in a 3x3 concrete room in a pair of Spanks. It would end terrorism, as we know it.

Minnie o'

Showing most recent comments first
[Show in chronological order instead]

Not only do I recall the fishnets, Hoon, (if indeed, that IS your real name)...I also recall the mini of all mini skirts....left almost nothing to the imagination, and the platform heels, which, like all other fashions of the 60-70s, have come back into fashion. There was also the "ratted" hair...so, what exactly, did we consider to be attractive about that look?

-- Posted by bringwine on Tue, Sep 2, 2008, at 8:54 PM

Whew, glad I didn't write what I was thinking.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Mon, Sep 1, 2008, at 4:09 PM

You're such a pervert!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 31, 2008, at 8:32 AM

Now you're talkin' GOAT. Any fishnet on those stockings? oooooohhhhhh yeaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!

-- Posted by shannonhoon on Fri, Aug 29, 2008, at 12:47 PM

Oh, yeah. Taught school in heels & nylons hooked to a girdle every day - and it was before air-conditioning. Don't see how we did it!

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Aug 27, 2008, at 10:31 PM

Very entertaining story and OH, those visual images! Does anyone remember the misery of wearing girdles?

-- Posted by ct on Wed, Aug 27, 2008, at 10:59 AM

No, I haven't tried the elasto-pots yet. I'll look for them the next time I'm at the un-Walmart place. I wonder if you could plant cherry tomatoes in them?

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Aug 27, 2008, at 10:37 AM

Wonderful, thought-provoking topic. Not that it matters, but I think it's Spanx with an x. It's been a hoot.

-- Posted by gardengirl on Mon, Aug 25, 2008, at 3:08 PM

BW your garden sounds lovely. Elasto-pots are the "in" thing this year, you know. Have you seen the Halloween variety? Scarecrowspanks in particular. A little straw... a few accessories and you're the envy of the neighborhood. Ducky, have you tried them?

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Mon, Aug 25, 2008, at 1:04 PM

I once saw a movie with Walter Mathau (no, I don't remember the name of the movie - Alzheimers strikes again. I'm proud of remembering the actor's name). He more or less innocently awoke in his hotel room with a drunken woman, who was not his wife, in his bed. He had to get her out of his room before the wife arrived and the drunk simply would not wake up. The scene of him trying to put the unconscious woman back into her panty hose came back to mind as I read Minnie's blog. Oh how funny. Even re-reading it is a hoot.

Mr. Corbin, I love your comments.

I've missed you so, cakelady.

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Aug 25, 2008, at 11:40 AM

Yeah....drink coffee, eat pills, and get spanked...should lose 15-20 within the first week.

Paul...get that mind out of the gutter, it is crowded enough as it is in here.

-- Posted by shannonhoon on Mon, Aug 25, 2008, at 8:45 AM

Hahaha! Minnie, look who your elasto-blog has brought out! Paul Corbin, as I live and breathe!!

We'll all plant our geraniums in elasto-pots!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 24, 2008, at 10:00 PM

Boy, was I ever wrong. When I read - To spanks or not to Spanks my fickle mind immediately created a cartoon, like picture of a school teacher holding a paddle over the head of a mischievous school boy, with a caption reading "To Spank or not to Spank that is the Question"

Little did I know that the device you were talking about was a torso torturing piece of lingerie that was designed for the purpose of reduce a pumpkin to the size of a peach.

Even after your vivid discription of this item I am not sure that I would recopgnize one if I should meet it on the street, and I am sure not going to blunder around in the lingereie department at Macys trying to get a picture of one, so I will just have to use my imagination, which leads me to believe that any lady donning one of these Spanks wpuld be about like trying to pour a bucket of lard into a teacup

-- Posted by paulcorbin on Sun, Aug 24, 2008, at 7:40 PM

Elasto-pots! You, dear Cake Lady, are a genius. Tried them...and yes, I am the envy of the neighborhood. Who knew that marigolds would thrive in a wanna-be Spanks? Must be a "blooming" thing. One could, no doubt, sprout some great cake ingredients in that thing.

AND Hoonkowski....(if indeed, that is your real name)...I was with you till you mentioned that "exercise" thing. That's what pills and Spanks are for, right?

Gotta go...gotta author a note to the "Spanks" company and urge them to produce a 3XL.


-- Posted by bringwine on Sun, Aug 24, 2008, at 3:31 PM

I hadn't heard that coffee slowed our metabolism, hoon. Thanks for the advice....but I cannot give up that black elixir of the gods! Dare I say, I could sooner give up chocolate than coffee?? (And that's saying A LOT!)

Letseatcake, your gardening technique is unique! I see you are creative in and out of the kitchen! It's good to see you pop back into the blogs, no matter how short-lived!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 24, 2008, at 8:42 AM

Coffee isn't fattening GOAT....just proven to slow down metabolism which is what you would need to speed up to burn those extra 30!

-- Posted by shannonhoon on Sat, Aug 23, 2008, at 9:05 PM

Minnie! You've slipped back onto the airwaves whle I was dozing! Welcome back! You are in rare form, as usual. I can only recommend my method of dealing with those dastardly objects of vanity. Starch! Starch the darn things and use them as planters. You'll be the talk of the neighborhood...they will wonder at your creativity. Elasto-pots is what I call them. Simply objects d'art. On the gardeners' Spank-o-meter, they're a 10.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Aug 23, 2008, at 8:13 PM

Hoon, since when was coffee fattening? I would tell you that I haven't drunk sodas since 2004, but you'd just get mad and call me a liar, so I guess I won't!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Aug 23, 2008, at 12:29 PM

Miss Minnie...I think this has to be the absolute funniest blog I've ever read from you! My husband sat here with me as I read it, and I almost think he laughed harder than I did!

I've got an extra (at least) 30 pounds to lose, and I don't believe I'm going to try and squeeze it into something like that! I'm uncomfortable enough being heavier than I've been my whole life...I very seriously doubt those things will help. My jeans already roll...I'm SURE those things would too!

-- Posted by mrsdolphin on Sat, Aug 23, 2008, at 11:10 AM

GOAT.....not a water diet.....just ONLY water as opposed to sodas, tea, dairy, juices, coffee, etc.

Good luck.

-- Posted by shannonhoon on Sat, Aug 23, 2008, at 10:07 AM

Haha! Another Oprah Idea Gone Bad!! A good friend of mine bought several pairs of those fake Spanks and shared them with me. I felt as if I were being devoured by an anaconda.

I've decided to put them in the drawer until 1) I lose 20 pounds with hoon's water diet, and 2) the weather turns sub-Arctic, so I don't die of heat stroke.

Minnie is back in style! (And looking so shapely!!)

-- Posted by goat lady on Sat, Aug 23, 2008, at 5:12 AM

I love shapers! Of course, I do wear the small size usually (don't kill me!). They just make you look so much better under your dresses. I prefer the ones that go only around your torso and have bra hooks so you just hook them up the front... no trying to squiggle into the legs. But if the dress you're wearing requires the hooks to go in the back for some reason, you'd better hope you have a good friend to help you turn the thing around.

Sounds like your fake spanks were a bit too small... getting into them shouldn't induce a hernia! But hey it was good for a laugh!

-- Posted by Youngest Child on Fri, Aug 22, 2008, at 9:28 PM

Good stuff Minnie!!!!!

-- Posted by greer958 on Fri, Aug 22, 2008, at 3:58 PM

Holy COW, I'm completely out of breath just reading this adventure,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,can only imagine the relief you felt as the 'spanks' zoomed around the room destroying everything in its path. I need a drink.............lol............

-- Posted by changedname on Fri, Aug 22, 2008, at 1:55 PM

Try 1200-1400 calories a day, water only, and add in 4-6 days of sweaty exercise. Beats a good spanking any day.

-- Posted by shannonhoon on Fri, Aug 22, 2008, at 1:36 PM

Minnie, you are a true gem. I haven't laughed this hard since one of your other blog topics, but I don't remember which one (see earlier blog topic on memory). It reminds me of the "shaper" I bought to wear for a nephew's wedding. Oh my. Not a pretty sight. Waste of good money. It's still lying on the bottom of my underwear drawer - unworn and unloved.

-- Posted by Ducky on Fri, Aug 22, 2008, at 12:22 PM

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